Life With No Games

Chapter 10: Train Back Home

We get on the train around 10 am because I can't wait another second. We say goodbye to my prep team, who are half awake and go. Effie immediately goes back to bed, but the rest of us stay up. It's awkward for a moment, but then Rue speaks up.

     "I loved your speech, Mommy. I didn't know you felt that way!" Everyone nods. Felt what way? I don't want to ask so I go along with it.

     "Oh ya..." I say awkwardly. "That's exactly how I feel, I was just keeping it in." I don't know what I feel, but it makes everyone happy. Peeta kisses me on my forehead and Rue and Haymitch beam. Effie comes out of her room an hour later and also compliments me on my speech. I really need to ask Peeta what I said, because it's becoming more and more awkward. I keep smiling and nodding until I pull Peeta into our room.

    "What did I say?" I ask, desperately

     "What do you mean?" He steps towards me to comfort me.

     "In the speech, I was so scared I totally blanked out and I don't even know what I said!"

Peeta takes a minute to process what I said, then he leaves the room and comes back with an iPad. "Don't worry Katniss," He reassures me. "It was recorded and is going to be replayed all throughout this year." I look down at the iPad, watch my speech and I am shocked. Did I really say that?

The problem was it was a good speech, a believable speech, the only problem is I don't believe anything I said. I want to forget the games, I want to forget the deaths and now because I didn't think of a speech beforehand, I blanked out and now people think I'm happy the games happened to me. Of course I'm happy I met Peeta and started a family, but other than that I don't believe anything. No wonder Haymitch, Rue, Peeta and Effie were so confused and happy. And Cassia's going to replay it all year long! I start to panic and it takes a minute for Peeta to calm me down.

     "It's okay, Katniss, we'll figure out what to do." He says and pauses.

     "What?" I ask, expecting the worst.

     "The problem is that you told, Haymitch Effie, Rue and me, that you believe that is true. How are you going to explain this to them?" I have no clue and I bury my face in my hands. "Don't worry Katniss, we'll figure this out." Peeta tells me again. I want to believe him, but I have put myself in a terrible situation. People like what I said and if I say it's not true, they'll think badly of me. Another problem is Cassia. What I've learned from former presidents, is that when they like something, it's hard to change their minds, and Cassia seems to be that way too. So if I tell her to never show my amazing speech, that the people of Panem love, she's going to say no. And even if she were to say yes, it would involve a lot of explaining. A lot of explaining I don't want to do.

After a while Peeta goes away and I sit by myself. After about an hour Rue comes in.

     "Mommy," she says. "I wanted to talk to you about what I said, about liking history and your speech." Oh no. Should I tell her that I didn't actually mean it? I decide that I'm going to listen to what she has to say first.

     "Go on,"

      "After Victors week, I told you I found interest in the history of Panem, so I was wondering if you could find tapes from other hunger games for me?" 

Okay, so my daughter went from not knowing about the games, to faking nightmares about the games, to being confused about the games, to being interested in the games, to wanting to see more. The thing I've been trying to forget/avoid the most is the thing my daughter is interested in and because of my speech, she thinks I'm fine with it. Now I could never tell her that I didn't actually mean what I said on television. I smile awkwardly as I try and come up with something to say.

     "Um. I don't think I can get you that." Is all I come up with. She frowns.

     "Oh," She says, actually believing me. "Are you sure?" Of course I'm not sure. I could probably get it to her easily.

     "Yes." I lie again. "It's really hard to find these days, sorry baby." She looks so sad, but it's best if she stops watching, it's too violent and I don't want to put her through that, especially now that it's all in the past. She leaves the room and Peeta comes in.

     "Rue left this room looking sad, do you know why?" I freeze, Peeta will tell me to find and give her the tapes, he'll definitely be mad I lied. He'll try and understand my point of view, but it doesn't work that way. But I can't lie to Peeta and even if I did he would know that I was lying.

     "Rue has had a sudden interest in the history of Panem, she told me in the middle of Victor's week and I thought it would blow over, but it didn't. She thinks because of my speech that I'm fine with her watching and learning about the games and the rebellions, but I'm not. She asked me to find some tapes from previous hunger games, but I lied and said I couldn't get them for her. I love her Peeta, I really do, but I can't do that to myself. I know it's selfish, but I just can't!"

Peeta takes a minute to let me calm to let me calm down and says.

     "Katniss, I think you know the answer in your heart. That's all I need to say." And that's all he needs to say, but I'm too far in the pain of the past and there is no going back. I stay silent for a while until Peeta tells me it's getting late and I decide to sleep on it. I can't fall asleep with everything in my head though and it feels like the night before my first games. I remember when Peeta was on the balcony, what he said about "wanting to die as himself." I remember how I didn't understand that for a long time, but kept it with me. Peeta gets in bed and wraps his arms around me like he's done every single night. I usually smile and kiss him, but tonight is different. Tonight I have too much in my mind. I eventually fall asleep but before I do I realise that in the morning we will be almost home!

I wake up bright and early the next morning and forget about all my worries because I look out the window and recognise my surroundings, this is the forest that I used to hunt in, the forest where Gale and I use to hunt in. It's crazy to think that we are so different now and it still looks the same.

I shower, get dressed and find a breakfast buffet waiting for me. Haymitch is there and I see him staring at me as I grab a hot chocolate and a plate full of rolls. I dip them in the hot cocoa like Peeta always used to do and it takes a minute before Haymitch starts talking

     "So, did you actually believe what you said in your speech?" Haymitch asks, but he already knows the answer.

     "Of course I didn't!" I burst out. "Do you know me? I'm the person that wants to forget the past not embrace it!" I mad at myself for saying the stupid speech, I mad at Haymitch for bringing it up, but blaming him won't help my problems.

     "Then why did you say it?" He wonders.

     "I was so nervous I blanked out and said the first thing  that came to mind. I didn't actually know what I said until Peeta told me." I slump in my seat.

     "If it was on your mind and you automatically said it, I don't think you don't believe it."

That took me off guard. Of course I didn't believe it. I didn't even know what I said until later. He's probably drunk or something, but I remember that Haymitch took a break from alcohol and maybe he's trying to give me actual advice. Advice which is obviously wrong. But I can't get what he said off my mind until I see it, the district 12 train station. I smile bigger than I have in a while because in less than a minute we'll be off the train and in an hour we'll be home sweet home.