My Lifeline

4

"I always hated the lecture halls, especially when I was starving and my stomach decided to rumble extremely loud." Amy chuckles as her and Sean talk about their experiences at university.

I've only spoken a few words since they arrived for our movie night. Those words were: 'Hi. I'm great. That's good. I'm glad.' I've been silent the rest of the evening, but it seems that no once has noticed. I don't mind in the slightest. If I'm being honest, I don't have the energy to think up an entire conversation with questions I don't know the answers to.

Mum has the evening off work, so she asked my older siblings if they'd like to come over for dinner and to watch a movie. We don't see each other a lot due to us all having our own lives and responsibilities, but they both managed to free up some space to be here.

I feel guilty for not interacting enough. I keep shouting at myself to be happy and appreciate our time together because I hardly ever see them, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't force myself to feel happy. I sit on the sofa with no emotion playing on my face as I fiddle around with my pizza slice, suddenly losing my appetite. I've heard depression can make that happen to your body. I wonder if it's that.

I wonder if I'm depressed or I'm just making it all up inside my head.

"Guess what I got on my recent assignment, mum?" Amy pulls up an excited smile, and I can already tell that it's good news. "I got a distinction. My work received the highest marks out of everyone in my class."

Mum gasps and claps her hands together to express how proud she is of Amy, who is just the most perfect daughter in the world. Sometimes I'm jealous of her for her accomplishments and stability. I'm glad that she lives that sort of life, but sometimes it saddens me that I'll most likely never have that.

What is wrong with me?

"That's amazing! Out of your entire class?"

Amy's smile widens, like she's genuinely so, so happy. I start to imagine what that feeling must be like, and then I start to feel bad because I'm making this all about me when it should be about her.

"The entire class," she confirms, bobbing her head up and down.

Sean pats Amy's shoulder and lifts the highest smile I've ever seen on his face. "Would you look at that. My sister's the smartest person in her class."

I should be happy, I should be smiling and I should be congratulating her. So why does it feel like my heart has just dropped to the lowest point of my stomach? I'm so selfish sometimes.

Even though my heart is hurting and my stomach feels swarmed with guilt, I muster a smile and force myself to be happy. I don't want to upset Amy, I don't want to make her feel like she has to hide these things from me in order to keep me happy. It's not her fault that her life is better than mine and she has things that I'll never be able to accomplish.

"Well done," I say in a soft tone. "That's really good."

She reaches over and holds my hand before giving it a squeeze. "It'll be you in a few years."

"You should apply to the uni I'm at. It's great there, and you'll get to see me," Sean says, winking.

I smile in response and nod my head.

I don't tell them that I don't plan on being around for that long. I don't tell them how I'm really feeling at all. I just sit there and pretend that I'm okay.

They all fall for it.

And then I feel horrible because I begin to realise how terrible and guilty they'll feel when I'm gone because they wasn't able to see how much pain I was in.