My Lifeline

43

My life flashes before my eyes.

I remember the sunlight beaming through the tree branches as my siblings and I walk with my mum across that familiar path that I've trekked a million times before. I remember Christmas mornings that smell like cinnamon, torn wrapping paper scattered over the floor, roast chicken cooking in the oven. I remember the smell of Grandma's cookies, her gold wedding ring, her kind smile. I remember my mum's facial expressions when she would read to me as a child, so much effort in her acting. I remember making potions outside with Amy and Sean, our laughter contagious, our smiles effortless. I remember reading with Will, his smile, his eyes, his face, his hands. I remember our drives, the laughter. I remember the feeling of his lips against mine, of his hand brushing against my cheek, stroking my stomach, holding me. It's a feeling I want to experience forever. I don't want to let it go.

I think about the future; about everything I could miss out on if I die. It all comes to me at once, all the things that I never considered before. My niece, travelling, seeing my mum remarry, being a bridesmaid at Sean and Krista's wedding, opening my A-level results with Will, Ryan, Beck, Brains, Isla and Lola, seeing them all start families and begin lives for themselves, maybe starting a family of my own one day.

Becoming happy.

I don't want to die when I feel this way.

I've come to the realisation that I never wanted to die. I just wanted everything to stop.

For the first time, I'm scared of it.

My arm radiates with pain when Will grabs onto it and keeps me from plummeting down. My eyes are wide, staring up at Will with horror as smoke comes out of my mouth with each fast and heavy breath I breathe out.

Will's face is red, his veins pulsing as he holds onto me. His entire body is laid flat on the grass that I'm sure is burning his body due to the coldness of it.

"Please don't drop me," I beg desperately.

"I'm not going to drop you," he promises, though he doesn't sound so sure. His voice is strained by how much he's struggling to keep a grip on my arm. "Give me your other hand. Now."

"I can't! Will, I'm going to fall!"

"I'm not going to drop you! Give me your hand right now!" he demands.

I try to lift my arm, but it only causes us to dip further.

We both gasp at the same time, staring into each other's eyes like it's the last time.

"I don't want to die," I whisper. "I don't want to die."

"Listen to me. You have to listen. Please!" he begs, his voice filled with such desperation and anguish. "Give me your hand. Do it quickly. I'm going to pull you up. Okay?"

I'm gasping for air, not daring to look down below me.

The water is frozen to ice. I won't survive it. Maybe I would have a chance if it was the summer and it wasn't frozen.

"Now, River!" he yells.

I trust you with my life.

I swing my hand up, grunting as our hands clench together. He strains and uses all of his strength to pull me back up onto land, never once giving up, even when his arms feel like they're going to dislocate.

My heart is pounding faster than it ever has before. I'm still in shock when Will places me between his legs and hugs onto me tightly, refusing to release me from his hold. He presses harsh kisses against my head, fearing that he'll lose me forever.

I saw the fear in his eyes when I was dangling over the edge. He was so scared that he was going to lose me. So terrified that he'd live the rest of his days without my presence.