My Lifeline

23

Will's POV
THAT MORNING

Ryan and I sit in his car, staring ahead at the empty school field that is crowded with fog and drizzle. The widows are cracked open, allowing the smoke from our cigarettes to squeeze through and escape into the fresh air.

"I was worried about you yesterday," he tells me after sitting in silence for ten minutes.

"Sure seemed like it," I mumble.

He turns his head and gives me this sorrowful look. I can tell he feels guilty for sitting in class and watching while I had one of my mental breakdowns.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't want to cause a scene in front of the class. I didn't even think that you were that upset, I just thought you were playing up in front of River."

"I would never act that way in front of River. Well...I mean...not on purpose. I hate that she saw me like that."

Ryan dips his head and strokes his fingers against the material of his steering wheel. "I really am sorry."

"It's fine."

"It's not. I don't want you to go back to how you was before."

"That won't happen again."

"How do you know?"

I shrug my shoulders. I'm not exactly sure that I won't ever get to the point where I want to leave this world again, but for now at least, I can confidently say that I feel better. Not happy, but better. Things have been feeling a little numb lately, apart from when I'm with River. I think it might be because she understands me so much. She knows exactly how I'm feeling and doesn't ever make me feel ashamed for it.

My smiles around her are effortless.

"I don't want to lose you," Ryan whispers. "I know we're never really serious and we joke around a lot, but I fucking care about you. You're my best mate. You've always been like a brother to me, especially after..." His voice trails off and he closes his eyes as the memories come flooding back.

"I know," I say. I hold his shoulder and give him a smile that I hope looks supporting.

Ryan's younger brother died a couple of years back. They were inseparable. I can still remember how Tyler would always tag along with us when we would go to the cinema or to the shops. Ryan never treated him any differently, he always included him like a friend. He really did love him. When Tyler died, Ryan was broken.

Now he uses humour to cope with it. He hardly ever shows how he's really feeling.

"I saw River went after you. Did she manage to catch up?" he quickly changes the subject after clearing his throat.

"Yeah, she did."

"Good." He nods his heads and lets out a breath of relief. "I'm glad she was there. She seems like a good girl."

"She is. She really is."

Ryan grins. "What's going on with her anyway? You dating?"

"Nah. We're good friends."

"But you want to date her?"