My Lifeline

11

As soon as I'm back home and my head hits the pillow, I curl up into a ball and hide beneath the covers.

The thoughts immediately return to me, completely destroying my mood which seemed to perk up in Will's presence.

It's moments like these when I want to leave the most, but I stay for my family. I have to. They're doing so well, I can't ruin that for them. I have to stay for as long as I possibly can...even though it destroys me. With each passing day, my heart grows colder and my soul breaks a little more.

I want to sleep forever.

* * *

It's one of those rare occasions where mum actually gets a day off, so she makes the decision that we'll go for a walk together in the woods and over the hills. It's a walk that is familiar to me because we always used to go there when I was younger, all of my siblings would tag along and we'd play make-believe games while my mum would trail behind and smile as she watched us. She never would've expected that I would grow into whatever sort of mess I am now. I feel bad because of that. I'm not the perfect, happy daughter that she needed me to be.

I wish I could be better for her.

I think, deep down, my mum knows that I'm struggling, I think she can see that my smiles are forced and I'm struggling to stay alive. She just doesn't want to admit it to herself, because that would mean having to accept that her daughter isn't happy. All she's ever wanted is for her children to be happy and live their best lives. So she's lying to herself.

It occurs to me as we're walking through the woods that this might be some part of her tactic to make me feel better. Every older person I have ever met has always told me that walking and getting some fresh air would make anyone feel better. I want that to be true, and maybe it is for some, but this is not helping in the slightest. I'm exhausted and I want my bed.

"How was the party last night?" my mum asks, excitement evident in her large smile that reaches her bright eyes.

"It was good," I lied. The party itself wasn't really good, but sitting at the top of the quarry and listening to music with Will was alright. We laid on that patch of grass for an hour before one of Will's friends called him and asked where he was. He headed back to Beck's house, and I decided to walk home because I was so tired, and that was that.

I should probably text him happy birthday, but we're not really friends, so I think that would be weird. Plus, I can always ask about his birthday on Monday.

At least this whole ordeal with Will is distracting me from the fact that I'm not loving life along with my excruciating anxiety, sadness and numbness.

"Did you make any new friends?"

I shrug my shoulders and immediately think about Will and the time we spent together when he could've been at that party with all of his friends. He chose to go with me. We talked for hours, but I'm not sure if I would call him a friend. He's just a classmate; an acquaintance.

"I guess," I mutter.

I shove my hands in my pockets because the cold September air is stinging the parts of my body that aren't clothed.

"I want to know everything." She links her arm with me, and I accept the physical contact. My hand wraps around her arm as I lean my head against her shoulder, finding the warmth of it comforting.