When All is Lost

Chapter 21

I woke up feeling exhausted. All my muscles ached from the long walks and sleeping on the hard floor. My head still pounded and my eyes burned. I'd also developed a stuffy nose and a tickle in my chest that gave me the constant feeling that I needed to cough.

Internally, I was clear-headed, but that simply made everything worse. I felt as though my dreams were still clinging to me like sticky threads of gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe. I had to focus on what came next, I couldn't look back. It was getting harder to process everything that had happened.

I knew it was daytime. Dim, grey light brightened the room around me as I sat up and looked around. It surprised me a little to also see that I was alone, though I could hear voices from what I assumed was the church's hall.

I was going to join them, but I took a moment for myself. Reaching for my backpack, I searched through the contents until I found the object I was looking for. I held it gingerly in my hands, stroking the cold metal with the lightest of touches.

With everything that had happened, I'd nearly forgotten Chris's watch. Not that long ago, it had been my closest daytime companion – but that was a different life.

My heart squeezed with the shadow of pain the sight of it gave me. Even still, I gave it a soft kiss before getting myself situated and standing up. Making sure I had everything, I hauled my backpack over my shoulders and checked the safety of my gun in my waistband. My hands were occupied with the ice pick and watch.

It was odd seeing both objects in my hands. Something about it felt wrong. They both had made significant impacts on my life, but in that same way, they were like repelling magnets – they were never meant to meet. It was that thought that steeled my decision.

Rather than heading towards the front of the church, I found a door that led to the back. After weaving through a few corridors, I found the backdoor and unlocked it, stepping out into the cold winter air.

The snow was patchy, having melted in a few places. It made it easier to find a good spot. An ash tree stood close to the church and while it cast some shade, there was still a small area near its base where the snow has mostly melted.

I walked over to it and went to my knees. With a firm grip on my ice pick, I used it to dig at the earth. When I was satisfied that I'd made a big enough hole, I carefully placed the watch inside it.

"Goodbye," I told it, covering it with dirt, grass, and snow.

There were no lingering looks. No deep regrets or tears left to be shed. I had to keep moving. I had to go forward and focus on the future. I needed to survive.

And there are still people waiting for me.

My mom and my sister still lived. Where before I hadn't let myself think too much about them. I now had to let my hope of finding them fuel my will to survive. As I heard the church door open behind me, I also reminded myself that there were people counting on me to hold myself together.

I stood and faced Ian right as he reached me.

"You good?" he asked with a mixture of concern and curiosity.

I wasn't. I wasn't sure I ever would be again.

Still, I smiled. "I'm good."

---

For fucks sake.

Hours had passed and I nearly found myself regretting burying the watch just so I couldn't point out to the group how much time they had wasted. It became apparent in the first five minutes of us all sitting down together that none of them knew exactly what to do next.