When All is Lost

Chapter 59

It took a while for us to make any real space between us and the remnants of the horde. The stragglers followed us and, as the Judge's people urged us on, I began to realize we were walking in circles. Their group was determined to not lead any zombies back to what I assumed would be the courthouse.

I was simply grateful that the sun was out. It was slowly beginning to fade as we walked, but between the sunshine and slightly warmer temperatures, the cold was harsh but not unbearable. Even still, I shivered without a coat, hugging myself and occasionally wiping snot from my upper lip as our walk continued on.

Frequently, I found myself watching the other six captives. They kept their distance from me. I wasn't sure if it was because of their own weariness towards me or if it was because they were that afraid of our guards. I couldn't really blame them either way.

Fear wasn't something we could pick or choose. They were clearly afraid and so was I, but the more time I was left with my own thoughts, the more I realized what my problem really was.

I had let fear rule me.

I'd once thought that I'd been facing my fears because I'd been willing to fight. I'd been willing to do whatever it took to save my group and I'd thought that was courage. The truth was that it was just another way to hide from what scared me most – loss.

Rather than facing loss, I acted and reacted, lashing out so I wouldn't be the one to lose first. I caused hurt and pain rather than letting myself confront my own losses. My deeds may have done some good, but they also resulted in far more pain for myself and others in the end.

I needed to do better now. With the six remaining captives, I couldn't let my fear of losing them rule my thoughts. I had to be stronger.

After all, it wasn't zombies that had first ruined my world. It was fear. It was the panic that so many people have given into. It wasn't zombies who were marching me to what was very likely to be a horrific death, rather it was people who I was starting to see as much more like me than I would have preferred.

At some point, they likely caved to their own fears too. In their own selfish desire to survive they had begun to take things too far. We all had and it had made the little bit of society that was left collapse that much faster.

Gertie was right. There had to be a line – one that should never be crossed. I had drawn mine with little thought of those that I considered to be "others." It had let me steal and kill without real remorse and that simply wasn't good enough. I had to do better.

I wasn't naïve. I'd never fully cross over into Prisha's way of thinking, but there had to be some middle ground. There had to be a way to survive without discarding our humanity. Looking at the six captives, seeing them cling and huddle together, I promised myself I'd find it.

The woman from the salon was sticking close to an older man with an unevenly shaved face. He comforted her like a father but looked nothing like the woman. His hair was every bit as dark as hers was fair. She eventually caught me staring and raised a brow.

I decided enough was enough and moved closer to the group. To my side, I knew Anton was carefully watching me, but I didn't care. In fact, I wanted him to hear me.

He needed to find his own bottom line too.

"Hi," I said through a strained smile before steadying my nerves. "Are you all okay? I'm sorry this happened to you."

The woman looked between me and the man beside her, hesitating slightly before answering. "Why did you do that?"

Set their group free?

Get people killed?

I wasn't entirely sure what part of the situation she was referring to, but from the way she'd said it, I wasn't sure if she knew either.