When All is Lost

Chapter 30

With every action, there is a reaction. With every choice, there is a consequence. Every day since I'd left the apartment I felt the weight of my choices and actions.

"She's still not breathing!" Even Misty's urgency couldn't save what was already lost.

The human body cannot run when its organs are shutting down – when one is freezing to death. Dry clothing? A fire? It was all too little too late. I knew that.

My choices had led us to being cold with no reprieve. My actions failed to get us the supplies we needed.

My mind rushed at first, spinning like a top as I tried to come up with a solution. But then, something in me stilled and my thoughts went silent.

Can't look back.

I had to put aside my regrets. I had to accept what was. I had to swallow down the pain, the fear, the hopelessness. In doing so, I found acceptance – or at least the ability to endure.

When your back is against the wall, you either rise to it or crumble. I wasn't going to crumble. I knew the greatest crime I could commit would be to be weak. After all, there was no greater sin than to be vulnerable.

Time couldn't stop or rewind and neither could I. The pressure was immeasurable, but I had to handle it.

Two deaths in a day...

Carlos wouldn't stop giving Paula CPR. Until he was ready to accept what was, I would go along with the play and act out all the scenes to give him the feeling that all was done that could be done.

Nothing we can do will be enough.

"Ray!" I yelled. He popped his head in the room as Misty covered Paula's lower half with the duvet that I found. "Can you and Jamie search for wood? I don't care if you have to break down every kitchen chair. And see if there are any matches too? Just help Prisha get the fire going."

Ray's eyes avoided looking at Paula and the scene around her. "Got it." He ducked back out, obviously not wanting to linger.

I hate grief.

I resented the fact that I knew we were all about to experience more.

---

Matches weren't found, but it also turned out that they weren't needed. Jamie had been a boy scout and building and lighting a fire was one of the skills he remembered.

For the first time in what felt like years, night wasn't met with darkness but with light. The fire crackled and illuminated the room, making it clear to see the strain on Carlos's face as he bent down to breathe into his wife's mouth again. A trickle of sweat ran from his hairline and down his nose, dripping off his face and onto hers as he backed away and began to pump her chest.

I had no way of telling the exact amount of time that passed, but I knew it had been too long. He needed to keep going, so I let him. I draped every piece of fabric Ian found me over Paula. I even took off my shoes and tried to warm her feet with my own.

Throughout it all, I felt disconnected. It was almost as if I was floating above, seeing everything that happened around me from the outside. I may as well have been looking at a scene in a snow globe. No matter how much everything was shaken up, I was detached from it.

I see how much you care.

I heard Ian's words. They repeated over and over in my head.

Do I?

I knew I did. I also felt that care getting twisted up inside of me and turning into knots. It gave me a cold hard pit in my stomach. It made it easy to separate myself – to do what needed to be done.