When All is Lost

Chapter 43

A chill went through me. I looked around the stall to see who else had heard Ian's confession, but none of them were paying attention. They were too caught up in Prisha's story about mistaking a donkey for a pony.

It was almost funny to me how oblivious they were to the devastation being wrought right across from them. Ian's words were still ringing in my ears like a shotgun blast. He'd shattered me.

My mind fragmented as it went in a million directions all at once. I had convinced myself that whatever his secret was, it was something I could forgive. I clung to that former feeling even as hatred twisted in my gut. I was lost.

Why?

I hadn't even realized the question had left my lips until I met Ian's eyes. He looked distraught as I fought back tears, swallowing them down to sit like lead in my belly.

I had made my choice. I had been willing to walk blindly forward with him. I'd been telling myself it was okay to never look back.

He made a different choice for us. Whether it was because he couldn't live with it after I'd kissed him or because he finally grew a conscience, it didn't matter. He'd ruined everything.

The fresh spring buds of hope that had been slowly growing within me had been stomped into nothing.

I should never have kissed him.

If I had just held back, maybe he could have as well.

You have to face it.

I didn't want to. My whole life I'd been good at avoiding fights that weren't worth having. Sometimes that meant letting go of the petty gripes and sometimes it meant turning a blind eye to the problems that I knew were too big to be confronted without horrible fallout.

I don't want to hear this.

I dropped my knitting project to the ground and stood, catching the attention of the room. "I need to use the bathroom," I said in a shaky voice.

Big Al looked at me with concern. "Can you wait? Someone should be by in a bit-"

"It can't."

"Okay," Big Al said hesitantly. "I'll see if I can flag someone down."

Crossing my arms across my body, I refused to meet anyone's eyes. I did my best to hide my emotions, but I knew my face had to look pinched. All I could hope was that I looked sick rather than emotional.

"Kate." Ian's soft voice sent me darting across the stall to stand right by Big Al. I was going to hear him out, but he had to give me the time to compose myself.

I'm not ready for the fallout.

I cared about Ian too much. I needed him too much. If what he told me was truly terrible, I wasn't ready to listen knowing it would mean the end of everything between us.

The reality was that I wasn't sure how to carry on through this nightmare without him.

I had my mom and sister to fight for and I could focus on living for them. My group also needed me and that kept me driven to succeed. But without Ian, it all felt a little... empty.

Big Al waved down a woman to take me to the outhouse. They called it an outhouse, but it was really just a porta-potty that sat to the side of the gas station. I took deep breaths of the cold air as we walked there, not caring about the whipping snow as the wind stung my cheeks.

The bathroom break was my only way to leave the stall, but I couldn't even linger. Within minutes, I found myself being guided back into the space where my group all seemed to stare at me with worry and curiosity.