Life's Essence

13- Karma

I stood outside the door of the interrogation room, taking deep breaths and trying to "push myself to the back of my mind" as Dan advised. I wasn't sure what I was doing or if I was even doing it right, but I guess I'll find out in three minutes.

Ricky and one or two others were already in there, I could hear hushed voices and things shuffling around on the other side of the door. I was putting off going in there as long as possible, but when it hit nine I had to go in. If I was even one minute late that could give Andy an excuse to kill Dallon. I knocked lightly on the door and heard a muffled reply to come in.

When I opened the door, the first thing I saw was Ricky strapped down to a table and a tray to the side filled with assorted knives and other sinister looking tools. I looked over to the side and saw Caleb and Ronnie hanging out near the back of the room. I took a deep breath and walked over to Ricky.

His clothes were torn, frayed, and covered in sweat and blood stains. He had fading bruises and healing cuts from previous interrogations, his skin was covered in sweat and dirt, and his hair was a greasy tangled mess. He glared up at me, hate and resentment burning in his eyes.

"Brendon." He spat out, his voice hoarse.

"Listen, I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this to you, I really don't." I tried to explain.

"Cut the shit. You have a choice in this, if you just let you and your fucking boyfriend get killed you wouldn't have to do this and I wouldn't have to go through this. But no, you're being a selfish motherfucker."

Instantly, past anger I felt towards Ricky returned. It made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I could get through this. The first step being I punched him dead in the face.

"I'm a selfish motherfucker?! I'm doing everything I can to keep someone else alive. To help them. I wouldn't do any of the shit I've been forced to do in the past two years if I hadn't been doing it for Dallon. Maybe it's because you're incapable of feeling human emotion, but when you love and care for someone that much you will almost literally doing anything you can to keep them alive. I'm slowly losing my sanity here, all in the vain hope that maybe one day in the future I can get Dallon out of here and he can have a normal life."

Ricky tried to interrupt me, but I simply punched him again, making his head hit the metal table hard.

"You can call me a lot of things and it would be true. Murderer, drug dealer, anxious, insecure, scum of the earth, pathetic, desperate, lost, ruined, take your pick. But the one thing I am not, is selfish."

Ricky's response? He spat blood in my face with a laugh. With fuming anger, it was then that I understood what Dan meant about pushing yourself out of your mind.

With a growl of frustration, I looked around the room to see what was available to me. I grabbed an old dirty rag off the floor and a roll of tape. I used the cleanest part of the rag to wipe the blood off my face before going over to Ricky.

Taking him off guard, I gripped the sides of his face with one hand and shoved the dirty rag in his mouth with the other. Once the rag was stuffed in I used the tape to seal his mouth shut to make sure he couldn't spit the rag out at any point.

He of course tried to protest, but it was almost completely muffled. When I spoke, I didn't recognize my own voice. I didn't know what I was saying. My mind began to disconnect as I had to carry out my task. I had to torture him. I had to do it. My mind blocked most of it out, but at one point, I started to come back to consciousness. I heard myself yelling.

"I fucking hate you! I hate you so fucking much! Hell isn't enough of a punishment for you! This isn't enough of a punishment for you!"

I didn't hear Caleb and Ronnie shouting at me that I had done enough. I didn't register anything until I was thrown backwards onto the floor, pinned down, and had a knife forcibly removed from my grip.

I fought and struggled the whole time, claiming I hadn't done nearly enough yet. They didn't let up and kept me pinned to the floor, and slowly my insanity receded.

The Karma that had taken over my mind left and Brendon started to return.

I was hyper aware of the smell of blood, and I didn't like it. I slowly went limp, the raging white noise in my mind settled until all that was left was a deafening silence. I looked up and saw Ronnie looking at me in concern. I couldn't remember anything after punching Ricky in the mouth the second time.

What the fuck did I do?

"Damn Urie, I've never seen anyone snap like that."

"What do you mean?"

Ronnie and Caleb pulled me off the floor before allowing me to see what I had done.

I saw Ricky's body strapped to the table. There was blood, a lot of blood. I ran over to the corner of the room and threw up. My hands were shaking so bad.

What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? I'm a monster. I'm no better than Chris. I'm no better than Andy.

Dallon is going to hate me. He's going to leave me. I'm insane. I'm ruined. I'm unclean. I'm worse than a murderer.

Dallon should never talk to me again, that would be best for him. He should leave here without me. He should forget me.

I passed out.