Life's Essence

20- Shattered

Despite the fact that it was finally visiting day, I wasn't excited. Instead, I was anxious. I broke down in front of Dallon, but it wasn't even as much as I could've broken. I know he isn't judging me for it, but I'm afraid I scared him. Made him scared of me.

He says he doesn't care what I did to Ricky because I was forced to do it. He said he still loves me and doesn't see me any different. He says I can get through this.

I don't believe him.

He didn't see how bad I was. By this point I've remembered everything that I did to Ricky, and my nightmares won't let me ever forget it again. I get them every night that I actually sleep.

Last week I was able to make myself stay up for three days straight, but on the fourth day I crashed and had the most intense nightmare yet. So, I've learned to not put them off that much because it just makes them even worse. I'll let myself go thirty-six hours without sleep, but no more than that.

I've kind of started eating again, I never actually feel hungry and when I do it eat it's not much, but it's better than nothing. I'm starting to look kind of scary, my skin is paler and drawn tighter of my bones as a result from the weight I've lost. The circles under my eyes were incredibly dark and steadily growing darker.

I looked dead.

My outsides now matched my insides.

This place has killed me, maybe not physically but it's killed me in every other way possible. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. It's all gone.

It was a short visiting day, so I sat in the room with Tyler waiting for Dallon and Josh to be brought in. Tyler has been in full-on mother mode and trying his best to help me. And honestly, if it wasn't for him and my desire to keep Dallon alive and well, I probably would be dead by now.

The door opened and into came Josh and Dallon. Their cuffs were removed and they both came running over. Josh immediately jumped into Tyler's arms and pulled him into a deep kiss.

Dallon, however, approached me slowly and pulled me into a soft hug, making me rest my head on his shoulder.

"Oh Bren, you haven't been taking care of yourself sweetie." He ran his hand through my hair, saddened to see several strands of hair come away with his fingers. I've been so stressed my hair has actually started to fall out.

"I'm sorry, I've been trying...but..."

"Shh, shh, shh, I'm not upset with you. I'm not mad. I'm sad, I hate seeing you like this. You've always been so strong, confident, and happy. That's what first drew me to you. I'd just give anything to see you like that again."

I started all out sobbing into his shoulder and clutching his shirt in my fists. My legs gave out and Dallon lost his balance from the sudden addition of my weight, although at this point I probably didn't weight that much.

We ended up falling down to the floor, but I refused to let go of him. I needed him. I needed him so, so fucking much. Dallon shifted us so I was sitting on his lap and he was cradling me like a child. He even started to rock side to side a bit as he just held me.

Held me together.

What I didn't know at the time but found out later, was at this point both Tyler and Josh were watching us, holding each other, and crying.

All I could focus on was that each time I took a breath in to let out another sob, it felt like my chest was being ripped in half, and tears were flowing out of my eyes at an alarming rate.

"Bren, just try to breathe it's ok. We're both safe, we're here together, I still love you, everything is going to be ok. It'll work out. Just breathe sweetie. Hey, look at me. Look at me, Brendon."

I pulled my head out of the crook of his neck and tried to look at him. Things were distorted by the tears in my eyes, but I tried. I wanted to do whatever he asked of me. I wanted him to keep loving me despite all I've done. However, I don't deserve a single second of his love.

"There you go. Try to breathe in time with me, give me your hand." He gently grabbed my hand and placed it on his chest, right above his heart. He took a long deep breath in and I could feel his chest raise underneath my palm. I tried to copy him, but my gasps and hiccups made it difficult.

"There you go, now slowly breathe out," he slowly let out his own breath and I felt his chest go back down. I did the same.

We sat there like that for I don't know how long, just Dallon trying to teach me how to breathe again. Eventually, it worked. My breathing returned to normal, and the tears had slowed from a constant stream to a few drops every now and then.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break. I ruined our whole visit please don't be mad Dallon. I'm trying to stay together, I'm trying to protect you, I'm trying to get you out of the hell-hole. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am..."

"I know you're trying babe, believe me I know and I'm so incredibly proud of you for trying so hard and so long. I'm not mad at you, and you didn't ruin our visit. I'm glad I could be here for you, to finally be able to help you in some way. Don't be mad at yourself Bren. You're trying, like you said, you're trying so hard and that's all I could ever ask for."

He pulled me closer to himself and placed a gentle kiss on my lips despite the fact mine were still trembling. I tried to kiss him back, but I was trying to keep myself from bursting into tears again.

I don't deserve him.

He's too pure, too kind.

But I'm selfish, I'll do whatever it takes to keep him with me as long as it doesn't compromise his safety or happiness.

I buried my face back in the crook of his neck and took a deep breath, inhaling his comforting scent and letting him overwhelm my senses before he was ripped away from me again.

"You won't be here much longer Dallon, I promise you that." I mumbled out as I hugged him even tighter.

He didn't say anything, probably doubting that what I said was true, but refusing to say otherwise while I'm so fragile. But that's ok. He'll be free soon and that's all that matters. I may be able to get away from this place, but I don't think I'll be truly free, for quite a while at least.

This place has its fangs sunk deep into me and is slowly draining out my life's essence, leaving me a frail hollow shell of the person I was before I was brought here. One day I might get better, but I know that won't happen unless I have my Dallon. He's the only one who can put me back together at this point.

Even then, I'm afraid I'm too far gone for even Dallon to help me.

Too ruined.

Too unclean.

Too numb.

Too raw.

I'm afraid I'll break him while he's trying to put me back together.