Life's Essence

14- Cope

I slowly started coming back to my senses. I felt a damp rag being run over my face, heard the steady breathing of whoever it was cleaning me off, smelled cigarette smoke. I slowly opened my eyes and tried to view my surroundings.

Everything was slightly blurry, but I could tell I was in the infirmary. I looked to my left and saw Tyler sitting there with a soft look on his face and holding a damp wash rag the looked slightly pink. I looked over near the door and saw Ronnie standing there, that was the source of the cigarette smell; Tyler doesn't smoke.

"What happened?" I asked Tyler.

"After you were...done you threw up and passed out so Caleb brought you back here until you woke up."

"Did they tell you what I did?" I asked, my voice breaking. I didn't want anyone else to know. I don't want them to know just how much I snapped. I can't lose Tyler's friendship, it's the only thing keeping me sane. Or at least as sane as I thought I was, now I'm not so sure.

To my relief, Tyler shook his head no. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"No!" I basically shouted, causing Tyler to flinch. "Sorry, I didn't mean to..." I said, much quieter this time.

"It's ok, I understand. Now hold still and let me finish getting this off you." He went back to gently cleaning the blood splatters off my face, neck, hands, and anywhere else it had gone. Ricky's blood. The blood of the man I fucking tortured to death. I started to feel sick again thinking about it so I tried desperately to change the subject.

"No offense Ronnie, but why are you here?" I asked. He glanced over at me and I hated what I saw in his eyes. I saw concern and a slight hint of worry. I must've truly lost my mind to make Ronnie of all people look at me like that.

"There was an escape, I was told to stay here and make sure your ass didn't get killed while you were unconscious." I sat straight up out of the bed.

"Escape? Who?"

"Chris. Took a couple others with him, but left three behind. Bastard."

"Holy shit." I answered as Tyler gripped me lightly by the shoulder and had me lay back down. Chris actually did escape. How am I supposed to know what to do? He never told me, assuming he is going to hold up his end of the deal.

I hope to God he does, I have to get out of here now more than ever. I have to get Dallon out. I have to get everyone out before another person is forced to do what I just did. Despite Tyler cleaning it off, I could still feel Ricky's blood on my hands, I could taste it in my mouth. It made me want to throw up again. It made me want to scrub my skin until its raw and bleeding. And then keep going.

I feel dirty.

Unclean.

Disgusting.

Once I was cleaned off Tyler helped me back to our room, my hands and legs were still shaking from the anxiety and adrenaline. As soon as we got there I stripped out of all my clothes as fast as I could and put some new one on. I grabbed the old clothes and shoved them in the trash can. Tyler didn't question my actions, just watched me with sad eyes.

When it was time for dinner, I didn't eat. I had thrown up three more times earlier, anytime any memories of what I had done came back I'd get sick all over again. I went down to the cafeteria like we were required to, but I didn't get any food.

I was sitting at my usual table with Tyler when I felt a tap on my shoulder that scared me so bad I almost fell out of my chair. It was Dan. He gestured with his head over to his table before walking over there.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Tyler asked. I shook my head.

"No it's fine, stay here with the guys. I really need to talk to him right now. Nothing against you Ty and I promise to still come to for help if I need to, but he's really the only other person who understands what I'm feeling right now, you know?"

"No, it's fine I understand. Do what you need to do Bren." He gave me a soft smile and a pat on the shoulder. This is one of the many reason why I love Tyler. I pulled him into a hug before standing up and going over to join Dan.

"How are you holding up?" He asked after I sat down.

"I've thrown up four times since it happened. Ronnie said he hadn't seen anyone snap as bad as I did." I said softly, feeling my stomach knot up again. Even if my body tried to throw up again, there'd be nothing to expel. Dan pushed his water bottle over to me.

"I know eating or drinking is that last thing you feel like doing right now, but you need to keep yourself hydrated. Especially since you're vomiting that much." I complied and took some small sips before closing the lid back and just idly holding the bottle in my hands.

"Did you just kind of black out when you did it? Not remember anything at first?" I asked.

"Kind of, I sort of remembered, but everything was kind of fuzzy. I didn't have zero recollection of what happened. But I agree with Ronnie, you snapped pretty hard." My head whipped up and looked at him.

"What? How do you know?"

"I was out back having a smoke when they wheeled the body out to burn it. That and the fact that you can't remember anything that you did." My face paled as soon as he mentioned he had seen the body. He had seen what I had done.

"Please, don't think any different of me," I begged him.

"If I did I'd be a bigger hypocrite than Andy. And that's saying something."

"Thank you," I replied softly. I looked down at my hands and we sat in silence for a bit before Dan spoke again.

"You might want to cut your nails and start keeping them short." I looked up at him, confused.

"The nightmares," he said. "I still get them. I kept on accidentally scratching myself every night so I finally just learned to keep my nails really short."

"Fucking fantastic," I muttered.

After dinner, I went to the shower room and stayed there entirely too long. I sat on the bench inside the stall, and at first I just numbly sat there and let the hot water pour over my head. After ten minutes of that what I had done really hit me.

I threw up all the water I had drank at dinner and cried. I sat there and sobbed until my chest hurt and let out screams of profanity, cursing my existence and this whole situation. I heard people come and go, but no one bothered me. This wasn't an uncommon occurrence, sadly.

As I thought earlier, I scrubbed at my face and hands until they were red and raw. But it didn't help, I could still feel the blood splattered across my skin. When I finally got out of the shower, I dried off, got dressed and went back to my room. Tyler was sitting on his bed, reading as usual.

"Hey, I was just getting ready to come looking for you." He said as he set his book aside, ready to give me his full attention if I needed it.

"Tyler, I'm afraid to sleep. I'm afraid of getting nightmares again, they just went away a few months ago."

"You're going to have to try Bren, I promise I'll wake you up if I notice anything, ok?"

I nodded my head and gave Tyler a big hug before crawling into my bed, afraid of what was waiting for me in my subconscious.