Life's Essence

12- Advice

A/N- Since this hellish year is finally over, I feel like you guys deserve a gift! I also have some words for you guys regarding the new year over in my Rants And Other Things book be sure to check it out!!

Opening the door to Andy's office felt like saying goodbye to my last shreds of sanity. I knew what was coming, and I was scared shitless. I quietly shut the door behind me and took a seat in front of his desk.

Andy was busy scribbling away and a sheet of paper and didn't even look up as I sat down. We sat in silence for a few moments as he finished whatever it was he was doing. When he finished he moved his stuff to the side and looked up at me, his expression blank as usual.

"So, Caleb cleared you yesterday to go back into full service?" I nodded my head and quietly responded with a yes.

"Well, before I send you back out I have something special for you to do here." Instantly my heart leapt into my throat and I almost quit breathing.

"One of the Motionless members we managed to grab that day was Ricky, and since his usefulness has run its course-"

"No, no, no, please don't make me do that. I can't handle that; I can't even look at someone when I shoot them let alone...no I can't." Andy gave me a pointed look and leaned back in his chair a bit, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I see, well if you can't follow through with the commands I give then I will have no choice but to terminate you from service along with Dallon. Let me tell Ronnie-"

I jumped out of my chair and harshly gripped the edges of Andy's desk.

"NO! Please you can't! You can't kill my Dallon!" Andy gave me a smirk, knowing he had won.

"Well, then you know what you have to do."

I took a deep breath and opened the door to my room. Tyler wasn't back yet so I didn't have anyone to process my thoughts with. I sat on my bed, nothing but numbness in my mind. I was trying to think of who had successfully done what I was going to have to do tomorrow morning, but I couldn't make my mind work.

I was sitting there for what felt like five minutes, but when Tyler finally came back into the room and I looked at the clock, it had been two hours. I looked up at him and he gave me a sad smile.

"How'd it go?"

"Help."

"Oh, um, ok so I was asking around and I found someone for you to talk to at dinner that can give you some advice."

"Who?"

"Dan Howell."

"You mean the guy who only wears black, sits in the corner, and never talk to anyone anymore? The guy that used to be pretty happy and talk to others? That Dan Howell?"

"Um, yeah. I ran into him at the shooting range after Josh had to leave."

"Let me guess, the reason he doesn't talk much anymore is because he did what I'm going to have to do?"

"Maybe."

"Great."

As Tyler and I walked down to dinner, my anxiety started to increase again. When we entered the room I saw Dan sitting on his own in his usual corner at his usual table. Tyler and I went through the line to grab our food before going over to Dan's table.

When were got near, he looked up at us and gave us a small nod to join him. I set my tray on the table before pulling a chair out and cringing at the sound of the metal chair scraping along the floor. As I took a seat I heard Dan let out a small sigh and pushed away his mostly unfinished tray of food.

"So," he began, "when do you have to do it?"

"Nine sharp tomorrow morning." He nodded his head and thought for a second, idly tapping his fingers on the table.

"So, the thing you'll have to be careful about that I didn't do that successfully, is to not bury yourself too far inside your mind. But if you're going to get through the whole thing you'll have to do that some."

"What do you mean? How is that supposed to help me fucking torture someone to death?"

"If you'll shut up a second I'll tell you!" Dan snapped.

"Sorry, I'm just kind of on edge."

"It's alright. Anyways, what helped me was I tried to push myself to the back of my mind so to speak, and let a darker side of me take over. I tried to picture the person I was having to torture as having done something extremely horrible to Phil, my husband. Or, I imagined that the guy was actually Andy and if I got through it Phil and I were free."

He had a small smile on his face as he thought of him and his husband actually being free from this place. It was the first smile I had ever seen from him. But, as quickly as the smile came it was gone, Dan was back in the harsh reality of this world.

"That also worked for Vic when he was here. I think he was gone before you got here though, but he had to also go through this. Unfortunately, his wife Danielle died from cancer while she was here and Andy terminated him after that. Of course, at that point he didn't really mind."

I just sat there in numb shock as I processed what Dan had said. I am going to have to hallucinate that I'm not myself? Isn't that pretty much what he just said? I don't know if I can do that!

I didn't realize I had started shaking until I had knocked over my water bottle and most of it dumped onto my food that I wasn't going to eat anyways and all over my lap. I didn't even flinch as the cold water seeped through my jeans and Tyler scrambled to get napkins the start cleaning everything up.

I faintly registered that I was mindlessly repeating "I can't do this" over and over. It wasn't until Dan gave me a hard smack to the side of my face that I came out of my stupor.

"Hey! Don't hit him!" Tyler called out.

"If I didn't snap him out of it he would've stopped breathing and passed out. I mean come on, you should know this. Part of working here is developing anxiety let's be honest."

"True, but smacking him around isn't going to help anything!"

"Then why has he stopped shaking, mumbling nonsense, and looking blankly at the wall?"

"That doesn't mean there aren't better ways you could've snapped him out of it!"

"I'm going to bed." I said. I stood up and started walking out of the cafeteria, the other two not hearing what I had said or noticing I was leaving. I walked quietly back to the room, the damp denim against my legs making me uncomfortable.

As soon as I got to the room I stripped off my damp jeans and boxers and tugged off my t-shirt. Not feeling like putting forth anymore effort, I went ahead and crawled under the covers without getting dressed. I set the alarm on my bedside table for eight and settled down into the bed.

I dreaded the nightmares that were no doubt coming tonight, and the ones for the years afterwards. I can't even shoot someone while I'm looking at them, how the hell can I mentally handle torturing someone to death for hours?

A/N- I have a surprise coming soon for y'all!! I'm so excited!