The Puck Bunny

Seventy-Two

He told me he loved me.

He kissed me, brought me back to September, and told me he loved me.

He did everything that I wanted and I should have been glad to get back to a time before everything was so difficult. So why was I still so miserable?

Because all the difficult shit had still happened and there wasn't any kidding myself that it hadn't.

All college had been for me so far was confusing or hurtful. Or, in some cases, both. At least they were all still leaving me alone so I didn't have to deal with everyone realizing I wasn't okay. And Lexi was there for me to talk to, so it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was at the beginning of last semester. But I was still very confused, and very hurt.

"You gotta stop beating yourself up Carter" Lexi said to me one Thursday lunchtime as we sat in the dining hall, away from the hockey guys.

"Lex, he told me that he loved me"

"And you know you don't love him back"

"Doesn't mean it hurts any less. All I wanted once upon a time was Luke Bennett and he's basically giving himself to me, and what do I do? I cry and run out of his room. What is wrong with me?"

"Once upon a time you didn't have Fraser. Who I'm guessing you still haven't spoken to" I shook my head.

"I can't"

"Carter, we've been back for over a month now. It's February and your mom hasn't even been to Minnesota. Don't you think it's time to give this up and go back to our friends?"

"I was already beginning to think that but the Bennett kissed me and now I'm back to where I started. Sure, they'll be happy I'm back if we go over there now. But Luke loves me and I love Fraser. And at this point, I don't even know if Fraser even has feelings for me anymore"

"Stop this"

"What?" Lexi sighed.

"Stop this feeling bad and sorry stuff Carter. You're skating again, right?" I nodded.

"Then, I think you need to talk to the Chancellor and Coach Roberts about practicing hockey to go for a hockey scholarship. If, and this is a big if, if your mom ends up coming here and threatens to pull the pin then at least you have options on how to get through this. And you'll have your friends back, who you can deny you need all you want but I know you miss them"

I stared at Lexi, confused and shocked. I knew uncle Will had said I should do it, so I was amazed that she would have the same idea. That couldn't be a coincidence.

"Look, I wouldn't normally take some fact like you used to play hockey at face value. But I managed to find an old video of you playing when you were in high school. I might not know as much as you all do about the sport but I know you can play. Oh my god, you can play. You were phenomenal and I think you could still be that good, even better. I think you can do it, no problems" My mouth fell open and tears welled up in my eyes.

"You okay?" Lexi asked and I nodded, hastily wiping the tears away.

"I'm fine. My uh, uncle suggested the same thing. And I guess I just, I didn't realize how much I actually missed the sport. God, I miss it!" Lexi smiled softly.

"Then let's meet the chancellor. Let's tell him everything and let's get you back practicing." I was hopeful. Playing hockey after all these years would be so good.

But something stopped me and I shook my head.

"I can't"

"What do you mean you can't?"