𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐀𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

THIRTY SIX

Vivianne

And just like that, we were already back at my aunt's and uncle's.

"How was school today? What did you guys learn?" my aunt asked as we got out of her blue Accord.

"Some aquatic stuff in science," I shrugged, keeping it vague.

"We don't keep things from each other in this house. Just lettin' you know, Vivianne."

Just because I couldn't tell her what mush we learned today.

"Sorry," I gave her a fake smile, closing the car door.

I reeled my anger in. No. If I want freedom, I have to play their stupid game. Especially if I want to go out and be able to see Constance one of these days again.

"Sorry. Not goin' to volleyball is just makin' me all," I waved my hand around to try to describe my feelings.

"You'll be able to go again once my husband and I decide its fine," she stated. Dumb ass rule.

We got into their house, and I knew I wasn't about to catch a break. "We're gonna pray together then you're gonna help me make dinner, okay?"

"What are we prayin' for?" I asked.

"Things...to change for you in your life," she gave me a welcoming smile. I sat my stuff down by the door and locked it for her, going into the kitchen and entertaining whatever bullshit I was about to hear.

All this just to be able to bump coochies.

"Bob!" she called out to my uncle.

"Yes?" he was in the living room watching TV.

"Time for prayer."

He made his way into the kitchen and we held hands in a circle.

Fucking cult.

"Bow your head and close your eyes, Vivianne," my aunt instructed gently.

I laid in bed, a glass shard from an old perfume bottle I had broken in my hand. The rest was buried into the trash in a wad of tissue so it wouldn't clatter when it was taken out.

I squeezed the glass shard, but nothing came out of my hand. It was because I wasn't hoping for blood.

This time.

Two sides of the same coin: For pleasure and for pain.

My little pain addiction.

I stared out at the open hallway.

I didn't have a door here either. I could suffer through the whole 'religion being forced on me', the clinginess, the strict rules. But my privacy was something I never realized I valued so much until now.

It was dark outside, and it felt quieter in this house.

I turned over on my side and brought my covers over my head, looking at the shard in my hand with the little bit of light left. Was hurting my family, extended and all, worth it for a selfish gain? Was any of this worth it?

Well, it was before Izzy fucked me over, I thought bitterly.

But it was dumb of me to even take those photos.

And it's not like we both aren't going through our own personal hells right now.

I lifted up my large t-shirt, nothing underneath but silky smooth skin and if you felt my upper thighs enough, recently healed skin. I pressed the shard into my leg, staring at it numbly. If the pain isn't hurting me- if it's only hurting my body, then is it really painful? If I remove myself from the equation, does it really matter?

Euphoria spread over me like a quiet wildfire. My arms and legs prickled with goosebumps as a nice bubble of blood formed. I sighed, feeling a mixture of disappointment and pride.

Sometimes, it made me realize I was a human after all. Other times, it was a reminder that I was one too.

"I've gotta stop," I whispered, a tear dribbling down my cheek. If not to make everyone else happy...then at least for the sake of my sanity.

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