Whims

Self

There are a lot things that I had realized in the past days.

One of them is why do I always depend on other's feeling when I do something.

Why do I always lie? And doesn't feel bad about it?

Why am I became emotionless this past months?

Remorseless. Doesn't feel any guilt.

Procrastination was worse. I've been absent for school for almost 2 months now. 

Doesn't feel bad or guilty about it.

Hahaha

Thinking that it's not my usual self.

I used to be grade conscious, one of the "excellent student" in our class.

My classmates impression of me was "smart" or "genius".

But am I really like that?

Is that my true self? Or the ones who just trying to please everyone.

To be honest, I don't know my true self.

I don't now what I want in my life.

The person that they've known that is me, was just a lie.

I can't even think of any words to describe who I am.

I am a big liar. Hahaha

I've never been honest to everyone.

Even on myself.

To my family.

Friends.

To my intimate partner.

I am a lie.

You know why?

I wanted to be perfect.

But my way to be perfect was not to change myself to be better.

But to blind them with lies. White lies.

It doesn't even benefit me. It destroys me more.

But why do I keep doing it though?

To hoped that it makes everyone assured?

Happy?

To be the one they wish you to be?

But all of them have different perceptions of you.

So does that mean that you've create a different versions of yourself?

Yes. That why I'm lost now.

A lot of versions of myself.

Yet not one of them was my true self.

I've lost it.

I never tried to find it.

And now I continue to live.

As a stranger, even to myself.