Sin City

01: Onset

"Good job, my Nardan! Mommy and daddy are so proud of you for acing your piano recitals!"

"Great job, baby! You won the gold medal for gymnastics!"

"I'm so proud of you, my Nardan for winning the skating competition!"

"Good job, baby, sorry daddy couldn't make it. But daddy and I are so proud of you for winning your school's music contest."

"Sorry, anak, mommy and daddy can't make it to your taekwondo tournament later. We're busy kasi."

"Oh it was your tournament for the ice skating competition and you told us few days ago? Sorry it must've slipped our minds. Babawi nalang si mommy and daddy sayo ha."

I sighed when my parents sent me to Miami again dahil back to school na. You know when you take care of your nieces or nephews because they're cute, pero once na umiyak na sila ibabalik mo na agad sa mga magulang nito and you realized you don't want kids pala talaga. That's how I think my parents feel whenever they send me back to Miami.

My family thinks it's a good idea to send us kids to the states to study. In my parents case, they sent four of us— my twin siblings kuya Aidan and ate Nadia, kuya Adrian, and I, sa Miami during our elementary to middle school or high school years.

Halos lumaki na din ako kasama ang mga maids, my parents were always gone for business trips, but I totally understand that. We own a big empire.

Umuuwi lang sa Miami sina mommy at daddy tuwing may competitions ako. Kaya naman growing up, I was an over-achiever child. I wanted to win in a lot of things because it's the only way I could see my mommy and daddy. I wanted my parents to be proud of me, I wanted them to tell the whole world that I'm good at everything.

Ice skating? Chess? Taekwondo? Piano? Gymnastics? Soccer? Kumon? Theater? Guitar? Tennis? Skiing? Lahat yan ay nasalihan ko na at the age of eleven, I even won gold and silver medals for some of the competitions that I joined in.

Nakakalungkot lang na hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari sa mga magulang ko who I have always looked up to because of their love and respect for each other, turned into couple who I despised.

"Nardan, you're going home and staying in the Philippines for good," mom announced habang kumakain kami ng dinner.

"Why?" I immediately asked, my brows were furrowed.

"Anong why?! You literally failed every class that you have and you don't even follow your curfew anymore!" singhal nito sa akin.

Napalunok ako nang maramdaman kong naiiyak na ako. I looked at kuya Adrian and kuya Aidan, just quietly eating, ignoring whatever's happening. Sana nandito si ate Nadia, I'm sure ipagtatanggol niya ako.

"Babawi po ako," pagmamakaawa ko. I already have friends here, I have built a life here in Miami.

"No, that is final. You're going home this weekend with your kuya Aidan," pagmamatigas ni mommy.

I looked at kuya Aidan when he looked at me. Malungkot ang mga mata nito. Hindi ko maintidihan, he's twenty five years old. Bakit hindi niya ako kayang ipaglaban kay mommy?

"But what about my ski competition, mom?" my voice cracked. "I already got accepted for the twelve year old ski competition in Aspen, remember? Next month na po 'yon," naiiyak kong sabi kay mommy.

She shook her head. Bakit ang tigas niya ngayon? She wasn't like this before.

"I said what I said, Nardan. Uuwi ka na ng Pilipinas at mag-aaral ka kung saan nag-aaral ang mga pinsan mo," she casually said before getting up.

Napahagulgol na lamang ako. Hindi ko maintindihan why kuya Adrian can stay here in Miami but I can't. Siguro kung nandito si daddy, he would allow me to stay.

I didn't like my new school, the Masked International School. It feels like being in a mean girls movie, but you know what they say, if you can't beat them, join them. Until I didn't even realize it, I turned into a mean girl myself.

I stared at the ceiling while faking a moan habang hinahalikan ako ni Lance sa leeg. My uniform were unbuttoned and he was freely grabbing my breast.

Napabuntong hininga ako sa umay when he inserted himself inside me, hiniga pa nito ang katawan niya sa katawan ko and buried his head on my neck while thrusting me. Wala akong maramdamang saya o sarap. Lance is my fifth body count, pero miski isa sa kanilang lima, no one could fill the void inside my heart.

I let people judge me pagnalalaman nilang may bisyo na ako at marami na akong experience sa sex noong katorse pa lang ako and now that I'm fifteen, I could not give a fuck anymore.

"Ano 'to, Nardan?" bulyaw ni mommy sa akin. Napayuko nalamang ako ng ulo ko. "Ano 'to! Putangina, magsalita kang bata ka!"

I flinched when she threw the box of cigarettes that she saw in my bag at me. "May mga empty bottles ng alak ka pa! Nardan naman, kinse ka pa lang nagbibisyo ka na!"

"What the fuck is going on?"

Napalingon agad ako sa pintuan ng kwarto ko when my dad barged in to my room. Kunot ang noo nito, halatang pagod pa sa trabaho. I heaved a sad sigh, readying myself for more pangangaral.

"Ayan!" mom threw the other box of cigarettes at daddy. "Hindi ka na kasi halos umuuwi kaya nagkakaganyan yang anak mo!" she furiously said before leaving the room.

"What the fuck is this, Nardan?" singhal agad ni dad nang mapulot niya ang kaha ng sigarilyo sa sahig. He walked towards me. "What the fuck are you doing with this shit huh?"

"You are grounded! I will take all of your things away!"

The first time na he grounded me, halos lumuhod na ako para lang hindi nila kunin ang cellphone at laptop ko because that's the only way I could communicate to my friends in Miami, pero ngayon wala na akong pakialam because they already stopped talking to me. Iniwan na din nila ako.

Napayuko nalamang ulit ako at hindi na nakinig pa sa litanya nito. Hindi naman din nila maiintindihan kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Hindi nila maiintindihan na silang dalawa ni mommy ang may kasalanan why I'm failing in life at fifteen.

"We're getting a divorce."

My heart immediately shattered into pieces. When I was eighteen, doon ko nalaman na matagal na palang niloloko ni dad si mom, but she stayed because of us, their kids. Ang tanga lang diba? Mula noon, I have always wished for them to just break up para wala na ang mga masasakit na eksena sa bahay.

That's why I don't understand why my heart hurts right now. My heart hurts so bad because my parents are finally separating.

"Malapit na ang twenty first birthday mo, anong gusto mong gift?" kuya Adrian suddenly asked while I was enjoying the view of the Metro in his CEO swivel chair.

I turned the chair to face him, nakaupo ito sa leather couch niya. Prente pa itong nakaupo at nakadekwatro pa.

Hindi naman yata masayang magcelebrate ng birthday kung kakadivorce lang ng mga magulang mo three months ago.

"Oo nga," I faked a smile. "Malapit na din birthday ni Chanty," I teased him.

Chanty is our adopted cousin that kuya Adrian was in a relationship with, pero iniwan din ni Chanty si kuya because he fucked up. She is four months older than me.

Mapait itong tumawa at napailing na lamang. "Seriously, what do you want to do, Nardan?" umayos ito ng upo. "Name it and I'll do it for you. You deserved something after what happened," he smiled at me pero bakas ang lungkot sa boses nito.

I heaved a sigh and turned the chair back to the view of the Metro. I then realized that this place is way too small for me na, nakakasakal na ang lugar na 'to and all I just want is to have my life back in the states.

"I wanna move back to the states, kuya. I wanna move to Vegas."