Sin City

19: Regret

"We need to talk, Jillian."

My hands were shaking while holding my phone as I kept reading and reading his text. I'm not dumb, hindi ako pinanganak kahapon, and by the way that he's been acting lately, alam ko na kung ano ang talk.

"Sorry, mahal. I have to review for my finals," I replied. A tear dropped on my phone screen.

Ako naman ang ilang araw na naging mailap kay Roux. Ilang araw kong iniwasan ang mga texts niya tuwing makikipagkita siya para makapag-usap kami. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa amin. I don't want us to end, I want Roux and I need him. Gabi gabi akong umiiyak tuwing naiimagine ko na wala na kami.

"What are you doing here?" hindi makapaniwala kong tanong nang makita si Rouqil na pumasok sa bahay ko.

"Let's talk," I could hear the sadness in his voice, tila ba ay nahihirapan siya.

I inhaled, my palms started sweating. Hindi naman pwedeng lagi ko nalang siyang iiwasan kaya tumango ako. "Wag dito, let's just... let's just take a walk," I tried so hard not to stutter but I failed. Tumango naman siya at lumabas ng bahay ko.

The elevator ride was silent. I couldn't speak, too, because there were too many things going on in my mind. Nakakabingi din ang tibok ng puso ko. I really don't get it. May nagawa ba akong mali? May nasabi ba ako? Did something happen in Chicago that I was too dumb to notice?

Hindi ko alam kung saan kami pupunta but we just started walking on the sidewalk. Tila ang lalim din ng iniisip ni Roux, his hands on his pocket. I could barely see his face dahil natatakpan ito ng hood ng hoodie niya. We stopped in front of an empty park. I stopped walking because he stopped walking. Nanginig agad ang mga kamay ko na agad kong ipinasok sa bulsa ng hoodie ko.

"Jillian," he looked at me with so much pain in his eyes and I could tell, I could tell what he was about to say. I immediately felt the tears welling up in my eyes.

"Roux, please," my voice trembled. It sounded small and weak. "Please, wag."

"I'm sorry," he breathlessly said, like he was having a hard time saying those words. "It's just that... I realized, I realized that we're not made for each other. Na ang hirap mong abutin," malungkot nitong sabi. The post light glimmered his eyes.

I was taken aback by what he said. "Ang hirap kong abutin?" I said in disbelief. "We've been together for almost two years, when did I ever make you feel that way?"

"Everyday."

Pakiramdam ko sinaksak ang puso ko. Sana nga sinaksak nalang ako. One word, one word pierced through my soul like a motherfucker.

"Then what can I do to not make you feel that way, anymore, Roux? Sabihin mo at babaguhin ko wag ka lang mawala sa akin," pagmamakaawa ko. "Please."

He clenched his jaw at mariin nitong pinikit ang mga mata niya as he inhaled. My tears immediately started falling when he opened his eyes and his gaze was distant and cold, it was as if the love and adoration that were once in his eyes whenever he looks at me vanished.

"Let's end this."

My lips quivered. "Please, wag," I plead. "Hindi ko kaya, Roux," I shook my head, hinawakan ko agad ang mga kamay niya. "Mahal na mahal kita, gagawin ko naman lahat eh. Just tell me anong kailangan kong baguhin para lang hindi mo ako iwan, Roux," I held his hand tightly. He became blurry nang sunod sunod na pumatak ang mga luha ko. Ang bigat bigat pa ng dibdib ko, I couldn't fucking breath.