Feeling For You (DNF)

Chapter 17: Sleepover

Author's note:

Hi, everyone! Chapter 18 is officially the halfway point in this story, so we're almost there! I've got the rest of the chapters planned out, and there will be either 35 or 36, depending on the conclusion! Thank you so much for reading!

All votes and comments are so appreciated! 

Word count: 3,607 

For this chapter, I recommend listening to Wrecked by Imagine Dragons, This Side of Paradise by Coyote Theory, and/or Mr Loverman by Ricky Montgomery.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNINGS: Warnings are listed at the bottom of the chapter, please scroll down if you want to preview the list before reading.

I'm a shit human being. A sentient pile of sludge. A walking trash can. 

How could I have messed up so badly? I feel my throat burn with unshed tears, mentally slapping myself. First, I'd let my sudden realization that I'm in love with George (something I'm still not used to thinking) weaken my mental barriers and make me more susceptible to my empathy. That had caused me to unintentionally mimic a kid's fear while riding the Tower of Terror, leaving me on the verge of tears and more exhausted than ever. Then, I'd ignored all of George's attempts to find out was wrong, and flat out refused to tell him. The car ride home was filled with an unsteady silence, and George's pulsating guilt, worry, and sadness. 

What kind of person let's their best friend, the one they love most, break silently while they do nothing? All because I can't- I won't- tell him about my condition. 

The worst part? If not for my empathy, I wouldn't have even known that George was hurting. His poker face was expressionless, giving nothing away. To me, though, his unspoken and hidden pain was as obvious as the thin golden chain he was wearing, a welcome home present from Sapnap he'd been given the day before our friend left for Twitchcon. 

Because of my condition, I felt George's insecurity after I refused to tell him what was wrong, and his betrayal when he thought I didn't trust him. It was a horrible mix, and all I wanted to do was drop to my knees and apologize, beg him for forgiveness that I'm sure I wouldn't deserve.

My insecurity, my fear of what will happen if George finds out about my ability to pick up on everyone's emotions, is strong enough that I still refuse to tell him. I can't. 

If he knew, it would ruin everything. He'd find out that I've been keeping secrets, and feeling his emotions, and that all of his secret feelings aren't as hidden as he believes. I would shatter his trust in me. He'd hate me. I shudder at the thought, the idea bile in my mind. I can't even stomach the idea of George hating me. If it ever happened in reality, I don't know how I would cope.  

I'd gotten back from Disney with George seven hours ago, and had avoided him over since. I wanted to give him space, give him time away from me (after all, I'm the one that caused this), but when I entered my room and moved to close the door, I'd felt a wave of bitter sorrow and loneliness.

I'd shut the door anyway. I built the barrier between us, literally and metaphorically. If I had just told George about my empathy from the beginning, when we'd first met, this wouldn't be a problem. Then again, he might not be in my life at all, if I'd told him. Almost everyone- everyone except for Sapnap and my family- had left. Who would want to be friends with someone who could practically read minds, someone who would know what they were feeling twenty four-seven?

Sapnap was the exception. Logically, George would be an exception as well, but... he and Sap are different. I love George more than anyone else on Earth, but his personality is sharper and more distant where Sapnap's is easily trusting and loyal.