I Know That I Don't

The not-so-Perfect Illness: Cancer Feelings♋

Sometimes illness isn't all about your insides' fighting against a virus or flu. It can also be something that you have encountered in a daily.

As a person, I have defined this not so perfect illness since I was an adolescent.

I had this illness(self-diagnosed) that every time I feel shitty or can't define my side of the narrative I always end up miserable and breaking down, feeling the void growing more in me.

Stuff happens.

It is ironic how people depicted me as that angelic-shy girl in school while my family at home sees me as that rebel eldest daughter who doesn't know how to appreciate her surroundings.

It is funny. At least for me it is...

It's funny in my head, but I always see myself holding that painful lump on my throat trying to hold back any noise I make as I close my eyes stopping those water flowing off.

From someone who had hopes in the future to someone who is afraid of the future.

I had this one argument wih my parents, where I indirectly told them about my comfort spaces and etc.
Of course they won't understand since I explained it in a way where I think I can hide this unnecessary feeling that I am ashamed of.

I told them about how it is better to have my own space to live comfy and to do better in school.

If only I had thought about those words before saying it to them.

I really wanted to give my parents signs

I really do

I didn't want them to feel outdated with me. I owe them that.

After all the sacrifices they made this is the only bare minimum thing I could give back, and that's to update them about my comfort desire but in the most confusing way possible.
I also don't want them to understand, that's why.

For real tho, this illness is a cancer.(context: hyperbole sentence).

My approach seems off. I knew it.

I feel that there is something wrong with how I say things and situations with them

It might be my voice tone, my statement or an example or situation I tried to apply that is totally irrelevant.

It was all of the above.

I unintentionally offended them. I realized that and it hurt me

Of course guilt came rushing in.

I really don't want to end up like my schoolmates making a mask to put on when their family is there.

I want to show my family who I truly am.

I wasn't that expressive type so maybe this is a sign to just stop and let the fate in my life control.

But the what ifs are there.

What if I demanded this stuff because maybe.

Just maybe

I don't see myself in the future anymore...

And it scares me

I never knew I was capable of thinking that.

Surprisingly I have never heard anyone say that but for the first time I heard it from my own thoughts.

One thing I hate about myself is something to do with my thoughts.

My thoughts these days are drained I can't really covey anything well. My social battery nor my way of speaking became trashy.

They don't deserve someone like me. If next life ever exists I hope they can have the child they ever wished for.

A daughter/son who can do better not just by their capabilities but in personality as well.

The not-so perfect illness continued to corrupt me.

I can heal from this.

I already did.

This is only temporary

This will all be gone soon

You can do this

I hope the one who reads this can see it too.

I know that I don't