I Know That I Don't

Eccedentisiast

I don't know why I even felt like this when I know;

I'm the one looking at them,

Analyzing them,

Observing them,

And slowly judging them from afar.

I always wondered what they were thinking?

What emotions are they trying to show me today?

I wondered if you like it when I talk?

Do you hide the fact that maybe I'm no fun?

Do you actually like me as a person—

Or you're just like me

Who caters anybody's expectations when I showed them the response that matches to their liking.

People pleaser

I'm the people pleaser, yet I judge you from the look of your reaction to your guts.

I obliged...

I told you my hush thoughts

I showered you with everything I wanted you to know

I put a ton of effort for us to stand in this situation we're in right now.

Yet with the same words, you reciprocate the energy of telling me things I also wanted to hear

But this time, I hated those things I wanted to hear.

It tore me apart and here I am standing in front, making the biggest favor of giving you the reaction you wanted:

Pupils dilating, like how a puppy see it's buddy

Wrinkles folding from the genuine interaction

Smiles curving till the ends of paradise

Yet my feelings stayed dull.

My eyes beyond the sparkles are emptiness

Although my heart is caged with rage and anger for lying.

For keeping it's true colors

For keeping my heart shut from the entire world

Crumbling from every piercing reality you told me

Yet it ends with an apology and

Here I am trying to stand again

Keeping my world from revolving towards you

Keeping it from breaking all over again.

I stand with ease as if it didn't hurt

Finally responding with an answer you wanted to hear

It's alright

I'm alright

I think I am

Am I?

Am I really alright?

Shush!

I am

I do

I will be

It's just a minutea of misery and soon enough things will mold back to itcs original place. Everything will be filled with happiness again.

But my thoughts vanish when I saw my eyes filled with unwanted tears

But they did not see that, they chose not to

I chose not to let them see it

Closing my eyes again

Tears dry finally,

I curve my lips into a smile like how it's supposed to be

"All is good"

There I realized, I was the one in front of them

I was the one who has been watched

I was the one who has been judged,

Observed,

Analyze,

I was the one they were looking from every reaction I make to my guts.

I was the one

Eccedentisiast

{I know that I don't}