I Know That I Don't

I understand, but I don't.

As time flies, I realize that change is one thing that remains in aging. Even relationships change. It could be your friends, family, schoolmates or the people you see on the streets when passing by.

For me, change is also a hard pill to swallow. A reality I am still struggling with as I grow old.

Others think I simply just don't care and live with change but every day it gives me a sort of reminder of how unpredictable my days will be.

I'm scared that in every decision I make one person changes, my relationships will change and what if I will change too...

Change is constant and so is my fear.

If change becomes a good thing to me, it also never fails to make me feel horrible too.

Like happiness when it exists, sadness comes along too.

I'm scared of change cause I realize the changes within me.

I wanted to escape. And that's the biggest change I have realized within me. Cause I'm a person who's very sentimental but doesn't show it, so why on earth do I wanna escape?

I feel like escaping but I'm scared that it might cause a big misunderstanding within people I know and love.

I'm scared that if I do give myself the freedom to find myself, I have nowhere else to return.

I'm scared that this bigger change will be another scar for my soul. A bigger one this time.

I'm scared that the people who gave me hope and courage will not meet me at the end of this path I'm trying to take.

This is the consequences of a person who knows little about being affectionate and open to anyone they love.

This is my understanding but I still don't understand why I am making things complicated when they are not.

And I will never forgive myself for being this complicated. I wanna love myself but it's hard to love myself fully. Partial is also difficult.

Then again despite the assurance people gave me, I am always the problem that gets in the way.

I know that I don't.