I Know That I Don't

a Vision

I used to think that being alive was one of my favorite blessings given by the Almighty God.

I was not religious but I do have my faith in him. I love him and I pray in my own way.

The thing is...

Right now, I don't necessarily blame anyone about this, but I think being alive is draining now.

It's not about my economic status

It's not about my life being normal

But

It's something about how I perceive things.

I don't know, but I sometimes do.

Being alive is one thing but being able to go through it is another story.

When it comes to the topic about life with my family or friends, I always become the odd one.

Why?

It's because of how I perceive things.

Because whenever we get emotional about our future, we always talk about what happened at the very end something like indirect conversation about going to after life—if there is one.

For me it's normal to think the way I think but I didn't know it would give a very big gap of differences among the people I know.

They wanted to have a blast despite the hurdles, that's also something I want.

But if I tell them that if ever something happens it will happen.

"I don't wanna think about it so I am doing my all right now cause I have a gut feeling that I don't get to live longer than we all idealistically think", I said.

I said what I said

If I die , I die. No more what ifs.

From what I see and have learned, people tend to idealize afterlife.

I mean l, I don't wanna ruin the afterlife for them, but I think they should at least lessen their expectations

Because expectations usually make things worse.

And now that I think about it.

This mind set of mine is not that unique.

A lot actually tend to think like that.

I learned from a tiktok verified psychologist (I guess) that people who had perceive life that way are mostly known to have a–"Passive Suicidal Ideation"

For me, it's like losing hope for life but instead it's like losing hope for yourself.

You still strive while you can but if something happens you just accept it even though there are more alternative ways to do for you to survive or avoid the invetible.

It's not really that bad, but now that I thought about this it makes me think that it's sad, for my old self.

I started this chapter in life where I had faith in everything but I also lost them along the journey.

There is no one to blame and no other way to explain it.

I'm still glad in life that may have privileged me in some aspects but sometimes people tend to see only that and that makes me frustrated and helpless that I ended up giving up in giving people the proofs of my own living ways.

They knew, but they didn't.