I Know That I Don't

First

I am not a fan of the "first come, first serve" idea; as much as I used to believe it's the only fair thing I could think of.

With the same concept or idealization in life, even tho I believe it's true; who knows, comes, etc.—it first, is the person who will own it. It means there is already a silent agreement that it is already their own originality.

But when we grow up and realize there is more unfairness that comes with it.

As a kid, I learned things fast but I also learned some things in a sudden or later.

I love pink,
I love pastels,
I love books,
I love hugging people,
I love words of affirmation,
I love smiling, I love helping people, etc...

The thing is, I met people who had the same interest as me. It made me glad and felt accepted as some people could relate to me.

It warms me.

Not until some people started pointing out that I'm copying them.

That I'm unoriginal.

Back then it made me insecure thinking that maybe it's true.

Maybe by the time I loved the color pink, my classmate who also loved it saw it earlier than me and loved it seconds earlier.

I'm a person who doesn't like being seen in a bad light since I'm a people pleaser in denial.

I thought it's common sense not to be seen in a bad way.

I thought people's views matter more than mine.

I started changing my favorite color,
My love for other aesthetics,
My habits,
My love for saying "i love yous",
The way I smile,
The way my hair curls...

I thought these way I can still be myself but a version of me who is more original. A person who does not like pink like my other classmate, person whocs totally different from their own comfort.

It's really complicated even for me.

I felt unaccepted as I grew up listening to people's views on me, that I started seeing myself in their minds and eyes, and not mine.

I thought people always give a damn since every time they see me they have many opinions and words to say to me.

May it be good and bad, every words stays in my mind.

I hate how words easily engrave in my head that I could never forget.

I act gullible, naive, and lost; hoping I could just forget about the things that changed me.

That I wish I really was gullible enough to just follow my own heart. I wish I was so naive that I follow what makes me happy, and I really wish I was just lost with my own world rather than being lost in society's judgement.

Until now, that's my problem although I finally figured how I wronged myself as a kid, I'm trying my best to heal that child that was changed in such an early age without people even noticing.

To be masked, changed and totally different person is a challenge we all had to fight in our life.

To conquer that odium in our heads.

I wished I was the kid they see. A kid who knows only bits in life and never experienced any bad sides since she lives in privilege and just has to face problems with other's views.

How I wish those stereotypes were true just so I could live in peace for once.

The world is truly an obstacle to face and I have to act tough. I will do whatever makes me comfortable now without telling anyone at all.

I know, but I will act like I don't.