"Who is it you really like?"
She got a weird feeling about that question. "What do you mean, isn't it obvious now?" She unsure answered "listen, I really enjoyed the kiss but is it me you're willing to give it to?" His obvious way of telling her to chose between him and Minho made her anxious, she didn't want to chose...not between them.
"If it's really him you want then you just made it even worse. You're giving me hopes knowing I'll be the one rejected at the end" She blinked several times switching between both of his eyes that seemed so clearly full of love that it made her feel guilty. She wanted him, she wants to be near him.. but on the other hand she doesn't always. Her feelings were confusing her more than school ever did.
"No, I don't know" he seemed to be unhappy with her unclear answeres "If you don't even know what you want, don't use me as some sort of test for an answer. I don't play those sort of games" he let go of her hands disappearing in front of her "I'm not playing games it's just..." it almost made her crazy for not being able to give him a proper answer "just leave it Maejin. Come back when you really know"
"But I just wanted to say sorry" she turned around to him "thats why you came. Wow at least you feel guilty for leaving me stand there. So you think kissing me will make me so blind of love easily forget it or what?" This broke her somehow, him thinking of her that way. She usually doesn't care about how people think of her but Hyunjin saying it somehow affects Maejin.
"I'm not using you because of that. Hyunjin... why are you saying this you didn't use to be like that", "Yeah because I always put you first. Do you know how much time of mine I spend just to try and cheer you up again after you've been down. I tried to always play okay knowing you had felt much worse, of course I always held myself back knowing you were more sensitive. But what do I get back? You've been mad at me for doing too much and even after I cared for you catching feelings felt like the last thing you needed. I held myself back 1 year after deciding to really tell you, but of course you weren't over him and as if it wasn't enough he came back out of nowhere. Just when I thought you might have resetted your life and were open for new things. He makes you confused doesn't he? Yeah he seems to be good at this stuff. After all I still helped you finding him and tried it to be at least harmful and not in a public space. I did so fucking much for you Maejin, just because I can't help but like you way too much. And I end up hating me for that, because after all now just can't be happy with you. It's wasting my time thinking about you these days... really"
She looked at him speechless but he didn't seem to regret any of what he had said and she didn't expect him to do so. It was right what he told her, everything. In fact she had been a burden to a lot of people, instead of just saying thank you she made Hyunjin down for doing too much. She was the worst she really was. Her present does, it always did. When Minho had told her back than to just leave him alone, she should've and also had wasting many of Yuqis night leaving them sleepless just because of her problems. She thought sharing them for once would make it easier after all it didn't, they hunt her, because they always come back. Once she thinks it's going okay, it doesn't. Just forgetting acting like nothing happened doesn't make it... she can never escape the past.
Hyunjin realised what he said but after all it had to get out sooner or later, even though seeing the hurt look on her face that he thinks he caused himself he can't always protect her. She is a grown up and probably even stronger than him, mentally and physically.
"I'm sorry, for wasting your time.. really. I'll make sure to get along with my life myself from now on and won't burden you no more. Also I won't give you any wrong hopes no more, don't worry. Sorry for trying to give you something I at the end maybe can't. But my feelings for you were never faked though, I really thought it might work out for us too" with that she decided it would be for the better if she leaves his place now.
She couldn't help but hold back tears on the way back, it didn't went as planned it definitely didn't. She was more than upset, arriving at her door she spotted Minho coming out of his which made her lower her head trying to quickly walk past him.
"Are you okay?" His soft voice rang through her ears, it was always hard holding emotions infront of him. Her hand on her doorknob she lifted her head looking at him. He tilted his head confused being ready for whatever she would say now. "I'm glad that you're still alive" she mumbled to at least be thankful to one person right now, Minho didn't know how to react to that at all. She gave him a weak smile as a tear rolled down her cheek, he was right. She definitely had something upsetting her and it wasn't pleasing seeing her in this state.
She told herself she wouldn't burden anyone with her emotions anymore, why just didn't she hold it inside until she entered. She immediately plugged the key in finally opening the door, but before she could Minho placed himself behind her holding it close.
Even if I pretend to be strong, it only makes me look funny.
How many years will it take for me to be okay?
It's only going to hurt, no matter how deep I dig into my memory.
I'll be the one left scarred and feeling small.
His chest was so close to her back that it felt like a warm hug from behind, so she let go if her doorknob covering her face with both of her hands. Maejins hair fell to the front making it impossible to see her face as she didn't even sob but really started to cry.
The boy felt helpless as he wanted to comfort her, but promised to keep distance. Fuck it... he swung his arms around her from behind pulling her close, not even carefully but with the will to immediately comfort her. He placed his chin on her head as she sank into his arms and hug that she had missed so much. Even while crying she could feel her stomach doing flips.. and now she could be sure.
Minho was the one she really liked.
~
