Surrera Advent Calendar 2022

Day 4

Today this story is written by Station_19_espana @station_19_espana

A/N: This One Shot has two well differentiated parts, in the first one it's just Andy and her thoughts and memories and in the second one, I'll just say that, the Magic of Christmas comes into play. English is not my language, so be kind with possible mistakes.

I had never thought of it this way before, but it had been so many Christmases since I had something that could approximate a Christmas that the rest of us mortals have, family meals, eggnog, carols here and there and a Christmas tree with its jingling lights. But there it was, a December 24th again with nothing resembling that, her Christmas of 2022 could only be defined with one word, Loneliness. And so, in the solitude of the apartment in which she had spent her last eight months and in which she had lived alone for the first time in her life, she found herself analyzing in her head what each of her previous Christmases had meant and what word would define them.

Christmas 2021: Uncertainty

Last Christmas, even though she celebrated it with her Family of 19, was a day after deciding to take that sepia-colored envelope out of the freezer and sign the divorce papers for good and even though she was accompanied, the emptiness she felt inside and the feeling of personal failure, did not allow her to be happy for a minute even though her façade pretended to say otherwise.

Christmas 2020: Anger

The year before, it was the most disastrous time of her life, couch surfing. Vic and Travis didn't remember she was at their home those days and went to lunch with their respective parents and she was left alone on her friends' couch, eating sugary cereal straight from the box and watching an absurdly romantic Christmas movie where miraculously all the main characters' dreams were fulfilled. She went to bed without finishing it, miracles don't exist, let alone happily ever after, at least not for her. She was so angry at the world, she was angry at being in a Station that wasn't hers, where work was just work, for not having anything resembling a home, angry at her friends because they let her be but didn't really see that she was standing by pure inertia and was a mess about to break into a thousand pieces. And she was angry, red with rage, at him, how could she think only of him, how could she be so selfish and even angrier at herself for undertaking a flight forward without being aware that she was breaking the best thing she had ever had in her entire life.

Christmas 2019: Heartbreak

At the time, she was so broken. She was single, angry at the world, angry at him for telling her they couldn't pass because they messed with their titles, at her for being foolish enough to fall madly in love with her boss, for taking a chance on a forbidden love that was shattering her in its wake. Broken because he had, in the end, just made her supposed best friend captain who went for the title behind her back, taking advantage of her vulnerability. And broken by the death of her friend who bled to death at her hands and angry at her father for deciding what was best for her without even consulting her. The words asking him to leave echoed over and over in her head and she didn't want to walk away, she was sure she wanted to be with him and it was what broke her heart the most, but even then she didn't have the courage to step forward as she did only a month later, when she told him she didn't want to be angry anymore and took the leap of faith and asked him to kiss her.

Christmas 2018: Hope

Although it had been a few years, she remembered it with absolute clarity. At that moment her life was changing as it never had before, though little did she know at the time that this was going to be her last halfway normal Christmas in many years.

After her Aid-Car accident, she had grown very close to her captain and was feeling things that at the time she didn't know, or didn't want to put a name to, but that's how she found herself that December 24 spending the day with him at his physical therapy clinic, and even Nurse Adams had brought them, half on the sly, a special meal and they spent it talking, laughing, playing games and watching silly movies. And on the 25th, yes that December 25th, the last one for her papi and Ryan, who came all the way from San Diego to celebrate the holiday with them and all the elements that had accompanied them since their earliest childhood were there. If I had known it was going to be the last one with them!