"... And I love him. Though I hate that word, because I don't think it truly encapsulates how I really feel about him. The way I love him is not the way I love the weather, or video games, or the dog I saw on the street. But I do, love him."
In whic...
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— TWITTER !
B. @aybeesee sorry for being MIA, lots has happened 😓. will upload a florida vlog (from sapnap's birthday) later today, love u <3
@aybeesee's replies...
USER @user YOURE ALIVE HIIII 😭😭
USER @user BEA DROUGHT IS OVER OMG 😭 | USER @user she was fr gone for more than a month that shit was terrifying 💔
USER @user hope you're okay ❤️❤️❤️
DREAM @dreamsecretclub love u bea ❤️
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BEATRICE (@busybee)
I spent spent much of the past month alone, despite Tina and Brooke's comfort. On most days, I would remain coddled in my blankets alone in my room. Sometimes Tina would come in and we'd talk about whatever was going on with our friends so that I wouldn't feel so out-of-the-loop. Or sometimes Brooke would come in and we'd watch episodes of Criminal Minds for days, with Brooke being intensely immersed in the content while I only offered a few laughs and some "Oh my God, that's insane"'s.
I was still in touch with her other friends, but I just wasn't very active much. I was still bothered by everything that went down in New York.
But I think I was healing, slowly. However, it was as if there was an obstruction to my healing process. I knew I wanted to reconcile with Blythe, but I wasn't sure how to. I couldn't even get into contact with her through the internet, so I would be forced to return to New York just to talk to her.
And I doubted she would even let me speak a syllable, forget letting me in to have a conversation.
There was one day where I felt like I'd lost her forever. Just a few days after my return from New York, I sat in the floor of my room sometime around 5pm. Brooke and Tina were filming a 100 Thieves video, one that I had opted out of. So I was alone in the apartment.
I had the box in front of me, the old, black and white, Adidas shoe box. The colours of the box were faded now, and there were tears in the corner with the cardboard peeking out. Upon first opening the dusty box, I was greeted with a letter. I practically had it memorized, but I couldn't bear to read it again.
It was a letter to Blythe. One that I still, to this day, held so much regret for not sending it. Enclosed in the letter was my deepest fears, my upbringing that pushed me to leave. Everything that would have reassured her that none of it was her fault, nor were my intentions ever to abandon her.
The letter was still sealed— I never touched it after writing it. I could only hope that one day, I would be able to give it to Blythe. It was doubtful to be enough to earn her forgiveness, but I was desperate enough to keep it out of the box, now sitting atop my bedside table.
This box was dear to me. It held all the old photographs, pages from my yearbooks throughout the years, and little artifacts that reminded me of the good memories from growing up. Many of these memories included either Blythe or Michelle, both who I couldn't think about currently without hurting.
I tried not to look deep into the box very often. I only ever looked through a handful of times since moving to California.
I felt like I was in a boundless state of nothingness. I had never felt so lost in my life. This was the one situation where I had no idea what to do, what I could possibly do to try and fix things— with Blythe, with George, with myself. I desperately wanted to reach out to people I cared about so deeply, but it seemed I was only capable of pushing them further and further away.
I had to take it step-by-step. But I was too nervous to even attempt the first step, because I had slim hope it would work. Maybe tomorrow, or next week. But right now, I'd rather stay in place than risk worsening things as they are.
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BEA @busybee new video! florida vlog with my faves <3 watch it on my youtube channel! link in bio <3
@busybee's replies . . .
USER @user BEA WE MISSED YOU
USER @user HOW ARE U BEA?! ☺️ | BEA @busybee i'm okay! just very busy lately :) | USER @user busybeebea
PUNZ @punzop epic | BEA @busybee :)
GEORGE @georgenotfound in this video, i break into the dream team house and steal their cat! | BEA @busybee I WOULD NOT | DREAM @dream you would
