The Holy Schizophrenic Manifesto of Instrumentalism

My Struggle

I'm tryna start a cult but I'm taking shit in a new direction. I'm gonna be the leader but this time all the members hate me (but the women still want to have sex with me obviously) So this is a WIP preview of The Holy Schizophrenic Manifesto Of Instrumentalism.

In the beginning (which was like... last Thursday at around noon or so?) all which existed was but a sentient ebony lute adorned with golden inlaid marquetry and a black emptiness devoid of any and all the pleasantries of what we, the would-be inhabitants of his creation, cherish in our lives today. This Cosmic Lute was extremely powerful and extremely knowledgeable and nonetheless very lonely. He longed for the companionship of fellow sentient creatures to bring a light to his infinite existence but being without a soul to strum his strings, was unable to actualize his vision for a perfect universe. So one day he shook and spun faster and faster, barely squeaking out a human from his limitless imagination through the vibrations. I was his first creation. And he said to me "If you would be so kind sir, I ask of thee to play these strings and produce seven perfect chords! Only then will I be able to create a world that's free of disease and war!" I was forced to oblige him on account of being popped into a sunless space with no air to breathe. So I grabbed him gently by the neck and strummed six immaculate chords, simple but beautiful. It was going so well I decided I'd try and get a bit funky by throwing a jazz chord in the mix. But as I was strumming and swapping the placement of my fingers I started to imagine this perfect planet I'd be placed upon and all the bodacious babes bustling within it. So I may have accidentally slightly somewhat buggered it all up on that last one... maybe (and on top of that if I'm being honest the jazz didn't really fit with anything else prior). Almost immediately an incomprehensibly expansive array of planets and stars and asteroids and cometoids and meteoroids appeared around us and I was awestruck by the elegant immensity of it all. I tried to understand it all and my place within it, but it was a useless venture. Every time I felt I was near grasping that beauty and felt I was nearing the understanding that every dot in that sky contained dozens more dots swirling around it and every one of those dots was a planet or a star larger than humanly possible to traverse, I was lost again in the awe of it all. The Cosmic Lute however, was not as impressed... in fact he was quite livid. He swung his body at my head at a blinding speed using the impact to emit a cacophonous mixture of tunes in order to pop us into a planet with a more hospitable atmosphere.

"YOU UTTER FOOL! WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED TO GET FUNKY?! WE WERE AN INCH AWAY FROM A PAINLESS EXISTENCE!"

Between my gasping struggle for air I replied, "I thought if I threw some spice in there that maybe we'd get more hot jazzy black women."

"THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH HOT JAZZY BLACK WOMEN FOR EVERYONE REGARDLESS! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME SAY IT'D HAVE BEEN PERFECT?!"

"Yea I did hear that... but I didn't know who's definition of perfect we were using, and coming clean, I was just planning to sneak that one in there without anyone noticing."

He sighed and floated higher above me, like a parent scolding their rebellious child, "First of all, everyone remembers the START and the END to a song, so if you wanted to sneak it in you should've put it in the middle. And second, because you decided to take some liberties every conscious being has you to thank now for AIDS, cancer, gonorrhea, Martin Shkreli, Gibson's quality control, Hi-Point firearms, Hitler, Kathleen Kennedy..."

He would've continued indefinitely if I hadn't interjected, "Well I mean I have no idea what any of those things are y'know since I was literally born like five minutes ago at most, but how bad can it be. I nailed six of the seven chords."

He paused for a moment building the suspense.

"It's bad. Really bad. You caused 99.99% of the universe to be inhospitable and the .01% that is, is filled with morons. Listen, I don't trust you to play another seven chords to fix all this and potentially fuck this up even worse than it is now, so just play ONE chord and I'll take us to a planet where there's the least amount of mongoloids. Once we're there we'll find somebody with some musical prowess to get everything back on track."

"Why not just pop a music nerd out of thin air?"

"That'd take three chords at minimum in quick succession, and it could go very wrong. Coincidentally it'd also take three chords played wrong in quick succession to create some eldritch monstrosity, so I'd rather have you just take the time to get an accurate finger placement for one chord to make sure you get it right."

"Whatever you say man."

I took him by the neck again and strummed out a G minor. Instantly we appeared on an enormous metal platform suspended high above a snowy landscape littered with black boulders. The darkened sky above was obstructed by vented metal paneling with thick support beams periodically raising them up. Stretched out across the platform were houses and skyscrapers of varying heights and sizes with polygonal glass panes. The walkways were lit by ambient orange and blue strips of screens positioned vertically up the sides of each of the living quarters, but the streets were eerily empty. There was no end in sight to the industrial megastructure.

"Follow me, let's find the nearest Walmart," he said.

"Where is everyone around here? It looks like you took us to an abandoned wasteland."

"They all move to the lower levels in the winter on account of the cold weather. It's warmer within the machine nearer to the engines."

Cold weather was putting it mildly, my breath was practically freezing in mid air and my fingers were beginning to turn a concerningly pleasant bluish hue.

"How do you know all that?" I asked bewildered by his innate knowledge of the inner workings of this strange foreign world.

"I know everything... unfortunately." He replied with a hint of vex and regret.

He took us around the corner of the nearest building and a few blocks further to a staircase that was about four schoolbus lengths wide and with ramped sections to make it wheelchair accessible. Nice. I got on my back and launched into a roll down the handicap only lane, which I must say I regret now for appropriating handicapped culture. I could feel the freezing cold metal through my thin T-shirt as I slipped, slid, and rolled along. Apart from the searing cold there was one more problem I hadn't considered. The ramp was at a bit of a steep angle, at least too steep of an angle to take a fast-and-loose roll at full speed down and now I was nearing the bottom with no feasible way of stopping or slowing myself down. In between my tumbles I saw the hard floor rising up to meet me before I went crashing right into it, knocking any wind that had been in me promptly out of me. I continued to roll some more without my consent until I came to a slow stop ending as it had begun, with me on my back. I layed there as the world was spinning around me and the pain of the impact was afflicting every bone in my body. The Cosmic Lute then came floating over me, saying not a word. I could tell he was judging my ass, that little punk ass B. Fuck outta here nah what I'm sayin' shiiiiiii. He waited there staring into my soul even while lacking the means to do so as I slowly rose again. When I stood I could hear mechanical chugging and felt a considerable warmth emanating from down the self contained inner streets. I looked down to see where it was coming from and I could make out cherry red glowing pistons pumping along in the distance with large crowds of people going about their day. Some were dancing around vibrant badass barrel fires; I fucking love a good barrel fire, while others walked past and entered the buildings that carried through to the surface.

"Come on. I've been waiting a literal eternity and I'm not intending on stretching this out any longer."

We continued walking until we found a giant Walmart supercenter, which looking back now I have no idea how that got there. Was that just a case of parallel thinking or is Walmart some intergalactic hustle that's just kept a secret by the pedophilic government elites? I have no clue but it keeps me up at night. When we entered the almighty Cosmic Lute turned to me and spoke.

"I need you to buy a notebook and pen to write a sort of preliminary litmus test down for me to weed out the dumbasses, and so we can find only the most worthy to fix this mess."

"Okaaay... well how am I gonna pay the money pay guy. I'm fresh out of space bucks my dude."

He sighed, obviously frustrated. "I'm the creator of th- ugh it doesn't matter, everything here's free you just take it and if you don't let anyone see that you took it then you get anything for free. That's how things work here, trust me I'm god."

"Oh well that's pretty sick. Guess I didn't fuck things up all that bad then." I said with a chuckle and a smirk.

"You did, you really did. You're a complete fucking troglodyte. Now go get the goddamn pen and book and then meet me back outside."