Red Lace

Chapter 14

NICHUME TSHAWE MNGUNI

When one of the ladies cleaned me up and dressed me up in a pair of sweatpants and a vest with sneakers I didn't think I'd be leaving this place, honestly. I am well aware of what happened between Adeyemi and me, I don't know or even understand why I allowed him to take my virginity but for some strange reason my brain knows no regret and yet my heart feels different about the ordeal. Now I know I enjoyed every bit of it and maybe that was just my body reacting naturally to sexual conduct but it doesn't change the fact that I hate him for having killed my friend. I am conflicted about this whole thing, I have so many questions that only he can answer. This life thing is quite strange, under normal circumstances I know I would have never slept with him willingly, I don't know if he drugged me or how it even happened but I know deep down in my heart I didn't consent to it. I would have never consented to sleeping with him knowing the kind of monster he is. My mind is scrambled, there are details missing, important details of how I even ended up agreeing to sleeping with him. Maybe the mind can be altered but the heart does not lie, I know what I am feeling and I know that it's not feelings for Adeyemi. Yes, the sex was gentle and he was tender but deep down in my heart I know he did something to me to make me consent, I just don't know what because I have no memory of me drinking something prior or even being stung with something.

I don't know how I really feel about going home, I know I'm excited about seeing Ntando and Yethu but I don't know if I am still the sister they remember me to be or if they even want this version of me. My parents, I'm no longer dad's little girl or mom's, will they accept this new version of me? Will they love me still? Will I even fit in in the real world? Am I ready to deal with everything that happened inside the mansions? I can't lie and say my stay was hell because it wasn't but everyone will expect me to say it was. Normal society will expect me to feel a type of way, I won't be expected to miss that place because according to society standards I'm meant to be broken by that place, and should I display any kind of emotion or feelings towards that place and the people from that place then I'll be labeled as a case of Stockholm syndrome. I am having all kinds of mixed emotions about returning to the real world but I can't wait to see my siblings and my parents. That's the only reason I am looking forward to being in the real world. I'll accept the world as it is.

I rub my inner wrist whip tattoo as the uber pulls up to my school, the place doesn't look any different either than the fact that the only people here are matrics and grade 11s. I sigh when the uber drops me off in front of the gate, security has no reaction because he probably thinks I'm my sister. Very few people are able to tell us apart and the ones that seem to recognize me are quick to come to me and crowd my space leaving me no room to breathe or process my new environment.

"Oh my God, you're alive!"

"How are you here right now?"

"Where were you?"

"Everyone has been looking for you!"

"What happened to you?"

"Is Sisonke really dead?"

"Were you really abducted or you ran away from home?"

All the people surrounding me ask me all these questions and suddenly I find myself unable to breathe, my panic attack is back after 2 whole years of none at all, they are back and this one hits differently. Maybe it's different because I haven't had any in a long time and now I'm just overwhelmed by everyone with their questions. While stuck in this fear-stricken state I feel someone pulling my hand out of the crowd until we are away from everyone.

"Nichume, look at me. You're having a panic attack," The person says, I can't recognize the voice at all. My surroundings have faded into the background and I can't tell what is real anymore. Everything is so scary. I need to return to the mansion, at least there nothing scared me, I knew everything that was to come, and not even the dungeon was enough to give me a panic attack. How am I expected to live in the real world when I can't even handle my old classmates?