Red Lace

Chapter 16

MIHLALIKAZI TSHAWE MNGUNI

When we lost Nichume, my world literally caved in on me. The day Khaya broke the news to me felt like the day I lost my entire family in an accident, it didn't make any sense, it all felt like a bad dream. I will forever say I don't know how these children survived the depression I went through during that period and just when I thought things were getting better they were born prematurely. Nichume had to stay in the hospital for a couple more months due to her lungs not having fully formed. My baby fought to stay alive and I think that's the only reason I could stay positive when she was taken, knowing that she was a fighter and would make her way back to us. Even if she hadn't, deep down I knew that she wouldn't have died without a fight and that's just one of the little things I admire about her. Her disappearance affected the entire family, I think it hit me the hardest and in that state, I turned my back on everyone because for the first ever since being with Khaya I felt helpless as a mother and I know I was wrong for turning my back on my pillar considering how much Khaya has done for me to even get us to where we are today. I am forever grateful for him, the kind of man he is because he never gave up on us or on me, he never gave up on finding our daughter and he always made sure that despite what was going on, he loved me and would never give up what we have for the world and I appreciate that about him. Sometimes I think he overcompensates because of the man Bandile was, he always tries to measure up to the man Bandile was but the truth is Khaya is greater than the man Bandile was. I loved my late husband wholeheartedly and I continue to love him still but truthfully he would have never been the kind of man Khaya is, we also can't prove anything because I lost him too soon in our marriage. Maybe Bandile's spirit lives in Khaya and our children, maybe Bandile is the one that brought Khaya into my life because there's just no way a man can love you this much. The triplets are not Khaya's biological children but Khaya has not once made them feel like they were not his, Khaya made sure that all my children are loved equally and when he reprimanded them he never not once made them feel like he was their stepfather. The way he loves my children is the number one reason I will always love him the way I do and I think that's why the children love him the way they do which brings me to why I think he walked out and left. Despite him knowing what happened in those mansions, I don't think Khaya was emotionally and mentally ready to hear or rather process Nichume having gone through that. There's a difference between knowing something and having to experience it through your child, hearing what she was made to go through is all so painful and it hits you harder. Even as I listen to my daughter I never would have imagined that at her age she would have gone through all of this, it terrifies me, and the fact that she is not showing any bit of emotion as she narrates all of this is just worrisome and scary because it shows me that I no longer know her, I have lost my daughter and as a parent, I need to come to terms with that and learn the new her. After she finishes narrating the things she went through, she excuses herself from the lounge leaving the rest of us speechless and without a single word. I make my way out of the lounge to find my husband. When I walk into our bedroom I hear the water running from the bathroom, I let out a sigh and walk to the bathroom. When I walk in I find him sitting in the shower on the floor fully clothed with his knees up and his face buried in his palms, his shoulders are shaking which makes me believe that he might be crying. I have never seen my husband cry before, not even on our wedding day so this for me is new. As I stand by the door contemplating I realize that I never not once bothered to ask how he was doing during this whole time our daughter was missing, he was too busy focused on me that he did not once bother about himself. I put my phone on the counter and then I get inside the shower with him, the water is freezing cold. I kneel in front of him and rest my head on his, I was right, he is crying. He pulls away from me and he hugs my waist, I sit down and he buries his head on my lap. I never imagined Khaya Mnguni was capable of being this kind of vulnerable but here he is on my lap crying his heart out.