Dive into my mind, don't drown.

7:01 AM

What would you do if I said I still loved you?

That even though it's been 2 years since we've talked, somehow whenever I'm alone I end up thinking about you. I thought I'd managed to move on, that I'd managed to forget just enough about you that every second I'm not doing something, you wouldn't be on my mind, but I was wrong.

I know that I shouldn't be thinking about you so much, I shouldn't be wanting to talk to you, I shouldn't be hoping that one day we'll bump into each other and start a conversation.

You weren't good for me, and you still aren't whether you've changed or not. But it's okay to want it as long as I don't act on it, right?

What would you do if I said I still cared?

That I think about what you're up to more times than I should, I think about how you're doing, how college is treating you, how your family is, whether you eventually got the pet dog you kept pestering your mom about, whether your room still looks the same or if you've maybe changed the color of the walls or the way things were set. I could go on and on but I won't.

Do I linger on your mind as much as you do in mine? Have I become a taste in the back of your throat you can't get rid of no matter how many times you rinse it? Do you feel my fingers from when I touched your skin? Does the sensation stick like glue? Do you hear my name or read it somewhere and immediately think of me? Do you see a video or picture that you find funny and you want to share it with me but before you press the send button, the realization hits you like it had many times before but you forgot that we don't know each other anymore and it would now be weird to send that?

Did you ever actually love me? Or was it the fact that I was easy to mold that you loved?

Did you ever actually want me? Or did you just want someone you could have to service you whenever you called?

Did you ever care about me? Or was it just a way to get me into your web?

I ask myself these questions every time, something reminds me that you once existed in my life. I ask myself these questions, and it tortures me because I know I'll never get those answers, and even if I did I don't think I'd be satisfied.

You hadn't died, but I had already lost you long before I told you I was leaving but the day that I called you and said that I'd had enough I lost the presence of another person in my life, one that had been practically glued to me and it was comforting in some parts but also so suffocating when I wasn't used to it.

I've never really grieved for a person before, and it wasn't really grieving a person but more so mourning the loss of a friendship I had never experienced before so I wasn't sure how to do it. I know everybody does it differently, but how do you know when you've passed the stage of mourning and you move on to acceptance and letting go?

I want to let you go, but I don't know how.

I guess it's okay to still care for you and to still love you and want you, if it's at a distance, isn't it?

Would you have mercy on me and free my mind from the grip you still have on it, if I stopped fighting against you?

If the wounds that are still bleeding and the scars that still healing became visible to you, would you help patch them up and make sure they didn't get worse?

I'm not angry or sad or disappointed, I just guess I feel like maybe I'm missing something that even if you came back it wouldn't fill, it wouldn't feel complete it would just feel like I'm trying to put something in a place where it doesn't belong, like putting on a shirt that's too small just because you want to be that size but just because you want it doesn't mean it's going to feel right. That space I want to fill it's no longer for you, you no longer fit.

To put it in a more simple and short way, I'll just say I'm confused. And maybe one day I'll figure it out, and maybe another day I'll see something that reminded me of you and what I see will be just what I see.

-Owl.