Troubled Indeed

CHAPTER TWELVE

The first day of our little getaway didn't really go as planned. It was mostly my fault. I was somewhat paranoid that Simon would find us and take Benji with him, even though Anthony reassured me that nobody followed us and we were safe. Despite that, I was on the lookout like a hawk, not letting go of Benji's hand and always double-checking my surroundings. Anthony quickly picked up on that and advised me to relax but instead I snapped at him. His pride got hurt and we've barely spoken since. Benji, on the other hand, was having a blast – he got to try out every ride he wanted and was old enough for. All at Anthony's expense.

I wake up and the weather outside is amazing. The sun is rising, birds are chirping, and a nice warm breeze slowly flows into the room. It's only now that I realize our hotel room, which Anthony booked, is super-romantic and beautiful. It's not some tasteless room to spend a night in, it's classy and glamorous, and I can tell it's definitely not cheap. How come I didn't notice his efforts yesterday?

I don't hear Benji moving around, so he must be still asleep in the adjoining room. It's almost a perfect morning, except... Anthony is sleeping on the other side of the king-size bed, his back turned towards me. Me snapping at him yesterday was a mistake, and because of everything going on around us, I never got to apologize. He didn't want to talk, and I was too tired to talk. I need to make things right.

I take a sip of water from my bedside table before going on a little mission of my own. I slowly move next to him and gently stroke his bare back with my palm. He sighs heavily. I keep my hand moving and slip it on his belly, where a perfect set of six-pack makes me smile. I softly kiss his neck and move lower leaving a trail of kisses on his shoulder. Now I got some movement out of him as he turns on his back, looking at me is his sleepy gaze. I softly kiss his lips and move my hand away from his abs, lowering it inch by inch. He kisses me back but as soon as my hand reaches his boxers, he takes it with his hand, moves it back up, and places it on his chest. I'm confused because I touched him and he's so ready. I look at him, surprised.

"You know babe," he says in a raspy morning voice, "As much as I'd like to do this now, I'm not sure I can. Sex doesn't solve all of our issues."

"What? But you're so ready," I say quietly and try to move my hand back where it belongs, but his tight grip holds it steadily on his chest.

He doesn't reply and looks past me as if something outside is more interesting than a half-naked horny woman in his bed. I see. This is about yesterday. I hurt his ego and he needs some sort of reassurance. I never imagined that an Alpha-male like him would ever pass sex. I guess I'll have to try something else to cheer him up.

I slip my hand free from his grasp, stroke his hairline, and caress his cheek. His jaw tenses, I'm not sure if it's pleasure or if he wants me to stop.

"Anthony," I begin sweetly, "I love you. I'm sorry I snapped at you yesterday, but I was worried about our well-being. I cannot let anything happen to Benji. I can't let him out of my sight. I need you to understand that I love you with all my heart and I can't imagine my life without you, but Benji will always be my top priority."

"And I know that, no competition there," he says equally softly, then adds "The thing that bugs me is that you still can't let go of control and trust me to keep you two safe."

"I...um...I've been my own protector and a single mother for so long," I admit, "That I'm not sure if I can completely let loose and let someone else be in charge of certain aspects of my life, besides...," I stop myself before saying anything stupid. I can feel jealousy raising its ugly head again.

"Besides, what?" he asks me as he shifts his body on one elbow, looking straight at me.

It's like I'm on a hot seat and I have to spill all my thoughts. I don't like to be this vulnerable but if I can't be that with the man I'm in love with, I'm afraid I will push him away for good.

"I'm afraid that if I get too used to having you in my life and next to me all the time, helping me solve my problems...," I stop and try to gather my thoughts, and thousands of words come to mind, but none of them seem to be right. "How can I be sure that you won't leave me, leave us after a couple of months, or a year? You're young and handsome, why would you stay with a messed-up single mother? I would be so fragile and broken, and I can't do that to my son." A large lump of emotions is in my throat, I want to move away but I can't. We need to have this conversation in order to move further in our relationship.

"Oh fuck," he says softly, "How can you not see that I only have eyes for you. I love you. I only want you, and I have proven this to you so many goddamn times." He stops talking. Looks like there's something else on his mind and he's searching for the right words.

"Is this about marriage? Is that what you need, to know for sure that I won't ever leave you?" he sounds hopeless. We've talked about this so many times.

"No, I don't think so," I reply, not knowing what I even want. Marriage would surely reassure me, but it would be for all the wrong reasons.

"Then what is it? What will it take for you to trust me completely and unconditionally?" he's exasperated. I know what it would take but I can't say it without him emotionally shutting down again. I have to say this very carefully, choosing the right words.

"I just...I want you to include me in your life outside of our little inner circle. I want to meet your friends, I want to know where you go every morning, without getting any ideas of infidelity."

"Babe, come on, don't start with this again," he sounds anxious. We're getting close to the darker area of his life that he doesn't want to talk about, and I can see him shutting down again.

"Will you ever tell me what you're doing for a living? Will you ever reveal what police records you have?" I push him just a little bit more.

"Someday," is all he says.

"Well, then maybe someday I will let my guard down and let you be completely and unconditionally in charge." There. We've both said it. There are parts of our lives that we're not ready to let go of and let each other in. And as long as we keep each other at some distance, I'm not sure we're ready to get married. It's as simple as that.

"Touché," he says with a smile.

That was easily one of the best and most mature fights we've ever had.

"And just so you know, I go to the gym every morning," he adds.

"I love you," I say smiling back at him.

"I love you, babe," he says sweetly and kisses me, "Now about that wakeup I had earlier...you want to finish what you started?" he asks playfully.

"You know babe, as much as I'd like to do this now, I'm not sure I can," I repeat his words from earlier, but I can't stop giggling.

"Oh, is this the game you want to play, huh?" he rolls on top of me, kissing me and tickling me at the same time. I squeal with laughter, and a moment later my sweet Benji runs into the room and jumps on our bed.

"Damn," Anthony says grinning, "A case of blue balls here."

I snort in laughter. I love it when we have fun. I love the man next to me and my cute boy who's always with me. I'm so full of love and appreciation that for a moment I forget about my troubles back home.