Whenever I Close My Eyes (Madam Secretary)

Never Gets Old

As Henry and I approached the kitchen, I could hear Stevie and Alli teasing Jason about going back to school. I figured this would never get old as long as they stuck around the house, which I hoped they would even though they were getting older. It wouldn't last as long as I thought it would.

"I'm just saying, going back to school is gonna be a big adjustment after lying around here all day." Stevie mentioned as we walked into the kitchen." While Henry stepped away to grab something he needed before leaving for work, I went through the fridge to grab the creamer from the fridge. My thoughts were all over the place, with my family's bickering in the center of it all.

"Yeah," Alli snarked, joining in as she stood on the other side of the island. It was good seeing her looking a little more upbeat this morning. Whatever she was bugged about was either gone or she was burying it deep down and it would resurface later.

"Yeah, you should know, drop out." Jason stood unconvinced of what his sisters were telling him as he poured himself a bowl of cereal.

"Oh, burn." Stevie took a bite of her cereal before grabbing the milk from the fridge. "Good comeback, Padawan."

"You know if you get kicked out of two schools in a row, you have to go to military school, right?" Allison half-warned holding onto her orange juice as she leaned against the counter. Jason didn't seem fazed by her words in the slightest, which smile a little. He seemed to be the most stubborn out of all of them. "It's like the law."

"Hey, I could handle military school."

"Yeah, right." Allison rolled her eyes at her brother. Henry and I shared an amused look with each other as he stepped behind Jason. Any time he could tease one of the kids, he was right there to embarrass them. "Okay, wait. What about homeschooling, pal?"

"Uh, I'll stick with public school."

"Oh, come. Just think of it. You and me studying all these great books, spending hours having philosophical discussions." Henry wrapped one arm just below his chest, more than taunting him.

"Mmm. Shoot me now."

"Jason." Stevie immediately reprimanded him. I had to admit it took a whole minute before his words sunk in. I knew he didn't mean anything by it--that it was just an expression when people were dreading something they didn't want to do. Still, it had all my thoughts flooding back all over again. Suddenly I didn't feel as thirsty or hungry as I had been a few minutes ago.

"What did I say?"

"Well, I'm--I'm glad you're on board with public school because that is where you're going." With that said, I screwed the lid on my coffee and figured I needed to get out of the house before anyone questioned my sanity. "Oh, we have that--that, uh orientation meeting at 11, okay?" I told Henry as I went to grab my bag off the side of the counter.

"Yeah, I know." Henry reasoned as he closed the distance between us, but it was already too late--my fight or flight was kicking in and I wanted to run far away from my family, my house, my responsibilities, and my life in general. "Listen, I cleared my schedule out this morning. You want to take the time off. Maybe we could go--"

"I can't. I have meetings." I knew by the look on his face that he knew something was wrong. I knew something was seriously wrong but I couldn't stop myself. "Then I got meetings after those meetings, so I got to go. Bye guys."

"Bye, Mom. Love you." Allison was the first to respond, even after the way our talk went last night. It was good to see we were on the same page about just how much we loved each other.

"Bye, Mom. Love you." Stevie called around the same time. I knew I should call back to them but the way my emotions were heightened, I couldn't get out any words until I had reached the door.

"Bye, Mom. Love you." Stevie called too. Again, I knew I should call back to her, but the way my emotions were heightened at the moment, I couldn't reply as I gathered my belongings. Jason uttered an ow, which I suppose was prompted by Alli who raised her voice at him, but I didn't stick around to hear what the conversation was about, although I knew it probably had something to do with the words he had mentioned a few minutes earlier. When I got outside, I found the fresh air to be refreshing as I walked briskly to the car where my bodyguard and driver were waiting.

"Good morning, madam." He opened the door, waiting for me to step in before closing it and feeling the seat weigh down as I slipped into my thoughts. I heard Abdol's screams for his father, over and over again. It was so loud that I was getting a major headache. "Rough morning?"

"You could say something like that." Taking my coffee cup, I placed it in the holder on the right side of me so I wouldn't have to hold onto it any longer. When my hands were free, I tried not to fidget because of how uncomfortable I was feeling. My head and body were aching and I didn't like the fact that I would probably be sitting and moving from one meeting to the next all day long.

I could really use the ibuprofen sitting in my office drawer right about now. Despite having lost my appetite and thirst, I knew I needed at least a little caffeine if I was going to somehow make it through this day. I was already out of patience, barely able to follow any conversation I was a part of, and could barely concentrate due to being in a state of grief and pain and a lack of sleep of massively horrible dreams transporting me back to the time I had lost a friend.