Whenever I Close My Eyes (Madam Secretary)

Home At Last

As we finally neared closer to the house, all my thoughts transitioned from loud to silent in the space of a few minutes. Remember how I wanted nothing other than to have Henry and our kids in my arms? I did. I promise I wanted them in my arms still. However, I wasn't mentally prepared for all the questions they would be asking me when all I felt like was crawling into bed and sleeping for a week.

That's how tired I felt. Sure, I had been beaten down before, but nothing like this. It had been easier to live on a ranch with my family. Although I had my doubts if I could settle down to take care of livestock and be a stay-at-home mom to three kids, I embraced it nonetheless. If I had never admitted it before, it had been glorious and sometimes I found myself mourning that part of my life.

My kids were growing up right before my eyes, now that I was working. Okay, they had always been aging at rapid speeds. It just felt different though now I was working again. Even though I tried to make it to everyone's extracurricular events, I always felt like I fell short in that department with a demanding schedule being the Secretary of State.

"Ma'am." The driver called to me softly. He was an older gentleman with soft, dark brown eyes and thick eyebrows. He had that slightly wrinkled face that had me almost thinking I was looking into the eyes of my Grandpa Joseph. "We're here."

"Right." I cleared my throat, stepping onto the concrete sidewalk for the first time in a few days, although it felt more like weeks the way things had been going. Just beyond those doors was the man who would eventually find some way to make me feel whole again. It was the reason I had married him. He was the other half that kept me grounded when everything was going so wrong. Today was one of those times.

The driver took out my suitcase. I took it absently, thanking him as he waited until I went in. It took several tries before I could walk in that door. I didn't have to say anything to know I had scared Henry deeply, and for that, I was truly sorry. The way he held me in his arms, made me feel like never stepping out of them ever again. Yet, he still selflessly stepped back as our children clamored to meet me, silently promising me we would talk about things later.

"Mom!" Alli reached me first as she wrapped her arms around my neck. Stevie did the same and I felt myself relax a little as I reached my hands up to hold them tightly in my arms. As a mother, I relished the times when they were happy to see me. If anything, this job taught me to appreciate them more because I knew I could lose them at any given time.

"Hi, Noodle. Am I ever glad to see you!"

"Hi. I missed you." Stevie came next as she enveloped us both in a bear hug; something I didn't get very much from her now that she was older. That was the amazing thing about being a mother. One minute you were doing everything for them because they couldn't help themselves. The next, they don't need you and some wouldn't be caught dead showing their mother affection. But when something big happens, they're all over you and smothering you with kisses Somewhere inside, you wonder if they felt some level of fear to how close they were to losing you.

"I missed you too."

Jason came last, fighting his sisters to get into my arms. He had never been one to show much emotion, especially to me. Yet, when he scrambled down those stairs at record speed and gave me an overly eager one-armed hug, I finally knew he was more than happy to see me.

"Mom. You're okay." How do you respond to something like that? I looked up at Henry with a confused glance as I wordlessly asked him if our kids knew where I had been and what I had dealt with in the past couple of days.

"Later." Was all he whispered back as he kept his hand on the small of my back. Although I had been vague in my decision to tell him about the extent of my injury, I knew that was also something we could discuss at another time. I had promised Abilene I would change my dressings often, but it wasn't always the easiest, being my injury was on my back. Eventually, I would have to clue Henry on it being more than the cut I had alluded to over the phone.