Whenever I Close My Eyes (Madam Secretary)

Testing the Limit

My phone buzzed right on cue to let me know my ride to the White House was out front. "I have to go. I will see you both at the funeral tonight." Giving him a longer kiss than before, I pressed my lips against his as he placed his plate on the island. "I love you."

"Love you." Henry smiled as I picked my phone back off the counter before kissing Alli on the side of her head and turning to face her. I was trying harder to face my children instead of calling over my shoulder as I was leaving the house. Going through what I did, made me realize I needed to do better with what I had, which included Henry and our children.

"Love you, Noodle. Good luck on your test today."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Hey, call or text me and let me know how you did. I want to know all about this test--"

"I will."

"Okay." I wasn't completely satisfied with that response, but I needed to go before the president had a hay day. "I will see you all later."

"Bye, Mom!"

"Bye!" I ushered myself out the door, even though I desperately wanted to finish our conversation. I knew I had a duty as Secretary of State, and even though I wasn't really feeling like it, I needed to get back to my job just to feel like things were semi-normal again.

"Ma'am." The same agent who had driven me home from the airport was opening the passenger door for me. His smile was comforting as he tipped his chin in response to my presence and I couldn't help wondering if grandpa had sent a guardian angel just for me.

"Thank you." He tipped his chin in response to mine before walking around the car to get into the driver's seat. As we passed through many Washington D.C. neighborhoods, I thought about how many people depended on me. How it was a privilege to be Secretary of State, despite how emotionally pressuring it was. Yet, my stomach still knotted the closer we got to the White House.

I think somewhere in there, I was trying to physically remember what occurred that night at Javani's house. One minute we were laughing and enjoying each other's company, the next thing Javani and I were being blasted forward as we landed hard on the ground. Bullets were ripping through the room. I heard Madam Secretary from Frank and suddenly he was on top of me. I struggled with closing his eyes as they rolled up in his head. I knew he was dead. That he had risked his life for me. Holding up my hands from my lap, my hands physically shook like that night. The only difference was I was back home. I was safe. However, a part of me felt like I was back in Iran, and I couldn't grasp how safe I was.

"I'm sorry to intrude." The agent's voice rang through the confusion I was feeling at that very moment. Still, I was extremely grateful for the interruption pulling me from the screaming agony of my thoughts. "We're five minutes from the White House. The president is just finishing another meeting and will meet you in the Oval Office a little later than expected."

"That's fine. Thank you." Our eyes met in the rearview mirror as he turned his attention back to the road and we drove in silence the rest of the way. After parking in a secure location, my head began to pound in protest at the lack of sleep I had been getting lately.

Note to self: fit in a nap if humanly possible in between these meetings. Hey. it was worth a try, right? No point feeling like the walking dead when you're supposed to be level headed and calm.

Stepping out of the car slowly, I mustered a smile of appreciation as he held the door open for me. "Tell me something. What made you want to become an agent?"

"I've always had a love to protect and defend those who live in this country. My father did as well and so did his father." Walking the few feet to the building, he scanned his card through the reader and it clicked open."We know the risks, Madam Secretary. Just like you know the risks of your own, that doesn't stop us from doing our jobs."

The way he worded his response, was rather surprising. Henry could often read my mind. It was Blake's job to read what I needed. Nadine kind of did the same thing, but she often did what she could to keep the peace. I didn't expect my agent to know exactly what was on my mind, although I supposed it was news to everyone now since the national address was out there.

We made our way to the West Wing and parted ways. I made myself comfortable on the couch, checking my watch to find Alli should have taken her test by now and should be calling or texting something in response. I hoped it would be soon so I didn't have my mind on it. Don't get me wrong, I often had plenty to do while waiting. It's just Alli had been so worked up about it for one reason or another and it made me hope she would continue to do her best so her grade wouldn't suffer. Who was I kidding though? The reason I was having a hard time grasping was why she was so worked up about it.

A few seconds later, my phone buzzed and Alli's name popped up on the caller ID. "Hey, Noodle."

"Hey." There was a slight pause from her, followed by echoes of a slamming locker signalizing class was out of session. "You wanted to know how I did on my test."

"I do."

"Well, there were a few questions I couldn't remember but overall, I think I did well. Mr. Goran ended up breaking up the test into two parts since there were a hundred questions."

"Which means what exactly? You have another test to take in another couple days?"

"Yeah. But then at least we get to study a little more. I feel like most of the class was prepared but there were still a lot of people who weren't and could use the redemption on the second part."

"That's a relief." I blew out a sigh, relaxing against the couch. "When do you find out how you did?"

"Not sure. Mr. Goran mentioned he was going to grade as much of the first part as he could this week, but that he might not get around to it until after we take the second part of the test."

"So we're looking at results maybe next week?"

"Hopefully. Anyway, I should probably get to class. I think the bell is going to ring in just a minute."

"Okay." I relented just as I heard feet padding down the hall." I will see you later tonight."

"Alright. I have a quick meeting with one of my teachers after school, but then I will be home to change and go to the funeral."

"Okay. I may not be able to come right home. Did your father tell you he wanted you all to go together to the funeral?"

"He told me after you left the house, so that's what I'm planning on." The bell rang shrilly on the other end. "Oh, mom that was the bell so I've got to get to class, but we can talk about this more tonight."

"Sounds like a plan."

"I love you. I'll see you tonight."

"I love you too."