Whenever I Close My Eyes (Madam Secretary)

True Colors

Retreating back to my office, my smile automatically faded as I closed the door behind me. Any time I was alone I felt like was the only time I could show my true colors. It was better my team and the world saw me as a continuing force instead of a person who broke down every minute because of tragedy. That's why I was fighting so hard for the normal I wanted, even if that meant faking it until it was true.

Grabbing the dress from off the hanger, I stepped into the bathroom for some privacy. I noted it took less time to unbutton my shirt than it did to put on the dress. By the time I had zipped it up, I felt exhausted from fighting to move muscles that had been jarred by the blast.

It was better that way when I could force myself to keep going instead of allowing myself to break down. That's why I had come here. I had addressed my team. I was reaching into my closet to grab my black dress to put on and I was going to put it on no matter how painful or hard it was. I would join my family and coworkers at Fred's funeral and console his wife and kids as they grieved.

Stepping in the bathroom, I locked it for privacy as I changed from my usual dress standards. I had never been big on dresses, yet for special occasions, I still put one on. I noticed it took a lot less time to unbutton my shirt than to put on the actual dress. However, by the time I had zipped up the dress, I looked pale and sweaty which didn't seem like a good thing since making the first appearance since returning home.

So I splashed my face with a little water, put on a little makeup to touch up what I had put on this morning. I curled a few strands that had gone straight while rushing through meetings and hopping into cars. I grabbed a black peacoat from my the back of my closet and slowly pulled it on. When I looked in the mirror again, I looked more like myself and felt more like I could face the world again.

When I arrived at the church, Henry, Stevie, Alli, and Jason were already seated in the second pew. It had taken a little while to get through the line. It was hard to swallow my fear as the line crept closer to Fred's casket. It took everything in my power to keep my mind from flashing back to the moment I witnessed his death. Fred's voice had been full of alarm as he yelled over the gunfire, then rushed forward and landed on top of me. It took several seconds to register his body falling limp. When I gained the strength to push him off me, his eyes were rolled up in his head which told me had been killed instantly. My heart sunk so deeply. He had been the best bodyguard. From the moment we had been placed with us, he had made me and my family feel welcomed as we adjusted to our new surroundings.

"Hey, you made it." Henry greeted me as I stood there outside the pew. I hardly remembered walking over there after talking to Fred's family. I guess I was so caught up in my thoughts after all. I tried my hardest to break free from how the flashbacks had made me feel, but I could tell it wasn't going anywhere that quickly.

"Sorry. I know I'm late. We hit some unexpected traffic on the way back from my last meeting." My excuse sounded just as lame as it was to my ears, but it just came out that way. He seemed to take it as he placed a kiss on my lips and lightly touched his hand to the small of my back while ushering me into the pew.

"Should I even ask how your meeting went?" Henry quietly questioned as he sat down beside me on the row. I wanted to tell him everything but I knew this wasn't the place to do so. However, even though I wanted to, I still felt blocked in my thoughts about well, everything.

"I would like to say productive, but this day isn't over yet." I leaned over to him just as the remaining people paying their respects sat down and the pastor walked up to the podium to begin the funeral."Frankly, this whole situation is a mess."

"As long as you know you don't have to fix it alone," Henry stated as the room quieted even further. The pastor put his papers on his podium and walked away to talk to a member of the choir, which allowed me to steal a glance at the children.

Jason was subtly looking around at the crowd of people that had gathered for the funeral. His body language suggested he was slightly uncomfortable sitting there. Stevie looked saddened and in her own thoughts while her hand was protectively curled around her sister. Alli a little harder to read as she leaned her head on her Stevie's shoulder.

"Hello. My name is Pastor Henry Jacobs. I was asked by the family to conduct the funeral today for Fred Cole. Now as many of you know, I've been the pastor here for the past fifteen years and had the pleasure of meeting Fred and his family when I first arrived in Washington D.C." He paused for a moment, grasping the sides of the podium. "Since I was new in town at the time, Fred personally took the time to show me around the city, which was a big help getting to know a lot of you." He sighed deeply, emotion catching in the back of his throat as he peered across the crowd of people who had gathered in support of the family. "During that time I have witnessed his circle of people grow, and to personally see the love he had for each one of you. He never worded it this way but I recognized over the years that Fred had a lot of family and was always willing to sacrifice and protect those he loved. "