Whenever I Close My Eyes (Madam Secretary)

Evidence of Tears

It was easy to slip into the bathroom before anyone could question what I was doing. Thankfully every stall was empty as I made my way to the last one and locked the door behind me. I let out another long sigh as I leaned up against the white tile and sobbed as I put my hand against my mouth to keep the sound to a minimum.

The last few days had taken more of an emotional toll than ever. I didn't feel like facing my team, but that's where I was going to head next was to the office. I needed to make an appearance so Fred's funeral wouldn't be the first place everyone saw me for the first time since this mess had blown up. I also needed to grab the black dress and pumps I was going to wear out of my office closet.

I could go home, but that would mean dealing with Henry's concern, and I didn't need that right now. I would also like to grab a quick nap before something else needed my attention, but I had a feeling no matter where I was, no sleep would be achieved without some interruption.

Grabbing my phone out of my pocket, I sent a quick text to Nadine about the team meeting me in the conference room for a few minutes. She got right back to me and told me she would pass the message along. Thank goodness. I couldn't help feeling anxiety creeping up on me as I thought about facing them and then heading to Fred's funeral. Could this day just be over now?

Running my fingers underneath my eyes, I wiped away any evidence of tears. I never wanted to admit this job made me feel braver than I needed to be, but it did. I wasn't one to shy away from when things got hard. Sometimes a little thought lingered and questioned how healthy it was for me to hold so many emotions when my whole world felt like it was falling apart.

Walking back into the stall, I wiped at my nose with a piece of toilet paper and threw it into the toilet before flushing. I wasn't sure why I was keeping up appearances. Maybe because I wasn't one to linger in the bathroom for more than a few minutes. I had long past learned how to rush through things because I didn't want my young kids rushing around and peeking under stalls while other people were doing their business. When I was in the CIA, I knew I had a job to do and there was no wasting time. I felt the same way now being Secretary of State. I felt like there were people counting on to know I was doing okay, and I wouldn't achieve that if I was hiding in a bathroom.

Lathering my hands for several minutes, I rinsed them through the water and dried my hands on a brown paper towel. As I did, I looked in the mirror to brush up on my appearance and walked back to reality where people were answering phones and conversing on political matters around the world. They hardly seemed to notice as I rounded the corner towards the hall.

My agent was waiting for me a few feet from the corner and joined me down the hall. If he had noticed my slightly reddened eyes, he said nothing. Instead, he patiently walked alongside me as we made our way to the car that had now been parked to the right of the door. I thanked him meekly and hoped in, crossing the seat belt over my shoulder and clicking it into place as he got into the driver's seat.

"Where to?"

"My office, please." Another car ride. I wanted to scream at him to take me home but I knew that wasn't an option right now. Also, my stomach was begging me to eat something so I could think straight again. I knew I was far past running on empty after skipping breakfast this morning, however, it was close to the funeral so I could at least hold off until we got back to Fred's house and eat something when I got there.

"Yes, ma'am." He looked through the mirror, then started the engine up as we idled in the parking lot. "You look like you could use this." He handed me a water bottle from the cooler sitting on the passenger side. "There's snacks on the side if you need a quick pick me up."

"Wow. You've really thought of it all." I stated, doubting there wasn't anything there that would settle with my stomach, However, as I pulled out the bag I had shoved into my purse to pull an Excedrin out of the bottle, I figured I could at least try to eat something so I didn't make myself sicker. As I went through the options, I finally settled on a small granola bar and downed the pill afterward.

I knew it would kick in about the time we reached the office, which is what I would need in order to pull on a straight face for the team. As for my energy level, it was waning. The recent emotional downfall I had experienced was catching up and I did my best to muster the strength to get through the rest of the day. So I focused on gazing out the window for the remainder of the ride over.

As I did, I had an interesting thought to ask the agent his name. I felt a slight disconnect, however knowing I had gotten to know Fred and it had not saved him. Instead, he had traded his life for mine. I slumped slightly in my seat at the thought. It was disheartening knowing in a matter of hours his body would be buried and I would never see him again.

That last thought was like a donkey kick to the stomach. When I had kids, I always relished in the fact that one day they would get married and have their own kids. I would be called grandma and I would spoil them like crazy. I had no doubt Fred would have done the same thing being a grandpa if he had been given the chance.