Whenever I Close My Eyes (Madam Secretary)

Heaven Knows

We had mostly taken the back route due to some heavy traffic after the funeral. By the time we had arrived, cars were lining the street and around the block. Some people were still trickling in, getting here just moments before us.

This house was one I had been to many times with my own family. Somehow, I had these fleeting thoughts about how we would surely be here several more times, sitting around the table while our children were off in the living room talking and having conversations of their own. That sent a twinge of guilt through me knowing this was probably the last time we would be here and instead of happy tears, we were mourning the loss of a good man whose life had been ended in the blink of an eye by those he was supposed to trust the most.

Henry wrapped his arm around me as we stepped out of the car, sending me that warm comfort as a slight breeze crossed our path. The kids shuffled out next, each one pulling or rubbing at their arms. Being the big sister that Stevie was, she pulled both of her siblings closer as we walked along the path of flowers leading up to the dark brick house.

My heart began to pound ever so slightly, my breath catching in the back of my throat as light flooded through the darkened foyer. I didn't feel prepared to face Jennifer and her family, knowing I could have done more for Fred. My feet stepped forward automatically knowing my family was right behind me.

"Look at Samantha in her clown suit," Alli stated softly as she nodded over to the middle picture on the foyer wall. Honestly, it was good to hear her voice again, even for a minute. Alli was probably one of the most talkative but sincere people you would meet, but lately, she looked about how I felt. I was beginning to understand what Stevie was trying to tell me about talking to Alli because there was something definitely weighing her down. "She was so cute at that age."

Touching the gold frame lightly with the tips of her fingers, she looked around until she spotted the young teenager sitting on the gray couch in the living room.

"I'm going to find Alexander." Stevie touched my shoulder lightly, then gestured for Jason to follow her. We both watched as they went their separate ways. Stevie found Fred's oldest boy leaning against the doorframe that led to another hall where Fred's office, the master bedroom, and bathroom were located. Jason found Mason, Frank's youngest sitting on the opposite couch from his sister. They shared a handshake, which caused the tension to break a little as they sat there silently together.

"Despite the fact that they drive us crazy, we have really good kids," Henry whispered as we took a few steps closer to the kitchen. Honestly, I could have stayed there forever just talking to him, but I knew my duty and even though I wanted to run away from it all, I couldn't.

"We do." I leaned into him slightly, feeling proud of our children because even though I knew each one of them were processing their own feelings and thoughts, they were still trying to be there for their friends when they needed it most. "Speaking of kids, Stevie thinks Alli is having a really hard time with me traveling places."

"That would kind of make sense, I guess. I don't think she had a lot of time to process everything before this all hit."

"Yeah. I don't think she did either." I took in a deep breath as we both stopped to face one another. "Except I think there's something else bothering her."

"Any ideas what it is? 've been wracking my mind but I just can't figure it out."

"For starters, I don't think it was ever about the test. We both know she could do almost anything with her eyes closed. She studies way harder than I ever did." I stated honestly as my back touched the wall and a tinge of pain rippled through my body. I resisted the urge to rub at it, knowing there wasn't much protection since I had yet to put anything on there to protect the stitches from being pulled out like violin strings. Also, it was a dead giveaway to Henry and everyone else in the room that I was still feeling the effects of the very thing that had killed Fred. "Since when has our daughter worried about school?"

"I don't think she ever has." Henry pinpointed, gazing in Alli's direction as she busily distracted Samantha with small talk. "Except that one time when she was in Kindergarten and worried about what people were going to think of her. She wouldn't let go of your leg because she was scared and thought she would be better off going to work with you every day."

"Then she held onto your leg and we had to reassure her about a million times that one of us was going to pick her up after school. She could barely stop talking about all the things she did in class and the friends she made. You would have never known she almost had a meltdown that morning."

"So, what are we missing here?"

"I don't know, but I intend to talk to her tonight after we get home." We reached the corner that led into the kitchen as I peered around to see Jennifer standing behind the counter, talking to an older couple who were giving their condolences. "Right now, I should probably talk to Jennifer and make sure she's doing alright."

"Alright. I think I'm going to grab some food. Do you want me to grab you a plate?" I cast my eyes over to the food and my stomach grumbled in protest at how good everything looked. "Maybe a roll with turkey and some swiss cheese? And some vegetables?"

"Sure."

"Thanks." Although I felt like my stomach couldn't handle much, I knew it was a good distraction and for Henry to see that I was making an effort to keep my strength up. Heaven knows I needed it, especially when I got a chance to talk to Alli.