Whenever I Close My Eyes (Madam Secretary)

Lost in Battle

We stayed long after the sun had gone down, helping clean up after everyone had left. After the house looked spotless, we all sprawled out on the couch in exhaustion. There was an uncertainty lingering in the air whether we would return to this house, to the people who had become more than just friends. Even though most of us here understood it would take time to work out all the fine details, Mason looked worried as he sat between Alli and Jason.

He was still young, which made this time even more confusing. The look of being lost in battle was one I was all too familiar with. It was possible he didn't understand people needed time to heal when it was all said and done, but maybe he didn't know that sometimes you also avoided the people who triggered your sadness.

"Thank you for all your help today." Jennifer sat down last on the end of the other couch. "I don't think we could have done it without you guys. You guys have truly been magnificent friends all the years we've known you."

"Likewise." Henry returned the sentiment, eyeing the children sitting quietly together. "Hopefully for many more years to come."

"I just wish we were here under better circumstances." I amended, feeling sleep wave over me as I tried my hardest to sit upright on the couch. "Please let us know if there is anything else we can do."

"I will." She promised, gazing over at her children before bringing her attention back to me.. "For now we're going to take it one day at a time, and by the looks of it, we should start by getting a good night's sleep."

"I can agree with that." Henry sat up on the couch, stretching his arms out in front of him before placing them back in his lap. "I know of two kids who have school tomorrow."

"And I have to go to work early." She pressed on Jason's back to move him off the couch when he didn't budge. "Jennifer's right, let's go."

"Yeah, rub that in a little more that you don't have to go to school anymore," Jason grumbled, standing up from his place on the couch.

"Just wait. You'll get your wish in a few years." Stevie retorted as she gave Alli a hand up. "Besides, adulthood isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Whatever you say." Jason could be so stubborn, which I knew he had gotten from both me and his father. I also knew he was in that developing stage of life, so hopefully, it would sink in one day to take life a little more seriously.

"You'll find out soon enough." Stevie wrapped an arm around his neck playfully, as only siblings could do. "Come on."

"Do they have to go home now?" Mason stepped in front of Jennifer, with a pout on his face. "I wanted them to stay a little while longer."

"I know you do, but it is time for them to go now." Jennifer placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's been a long day for everyone. It is time for all of us to try and get some rest."

"Okay." Mason bowed his head, but he still didn't seem satisfied with his mother's response.

"Perhaps we'll have to invite you guys over for dinner, one day soon." I tried, but he didn't immediately raise his gaze to mine. "Spaghetti, right?"

"Mhm."

"Then it's a deal. "Spaghetti night at my house." I gave him a small smile to let him know I was serious as he muttered okay and walked off to say goodbye to the kids.

"Thank you, Elizabeth." She gathered me in a tight hug and I felt all my emotions racing at my at full speed and I flashed back to when Fred darted in front of me and gave his life for mine. What he had given up was who I was standing in front of today. It was starting to sink in even further that he gave up the same thing I would have; a significant other, a beautiful home and raising kids. I just got to continue experiencing it all.

All I could do was give her a teary smile as we all walked to the door. We said our goodbyes, promising to get together soon before hopping into the car. When we got home, the kids scattered upstairs with weary goodnights and disappeared upstairs to their rooms.

"How long do we wait before going up there ourselves?"

"It will take me about five minutes to get up the stairs, so about that long." Holding onto the railing, I pulled myself up to the bottom stair. It was going to take me long enough to get up there, so why not get a head start? "I was thinking I should really talk to her myself."

The walk was somewhat agonizing, but we made it upstairs in a matter of minutes. We passed Stevie's room and her light was already off, signaling she had already gone to bed. Jason was sitting on his bed with his headphones on, eyes closed. Alli's door was closed, but her light was still on. I rapped on the wood softly with my knuckle and waited a few seconds before she responded.

"Yeah, hang on a second." Came Alli's muffled response as we heard her walking around her room for a few minutes before she finally opened the door. At that point, Henry whispered to let me know how it went before slipping into our bedroom.

"Can I come in for a second? I want to talk to you about something." As soon as those words left my mouth, she swung the door open and made a beeline for her bed. I closed it behind me before crossing the room to sit next to her on the edge of the bed.

"What would you like to talk about?" Alli asked, pulling her pillow up so she could sit against it. She was already dressed in dark grey sweatpants and a white tank top and looked ready to fall asleep at any moment.

"The fact that this year hasn't been the easiest, should be an indicator."

"If you're wondering if I'm okay with your job, I am." Alli grabbed a small green pillow sitting beside her and played with the tassels in her hand. "It wasn't easy finding out you were going to dangerous places, but it's good knowing there are people like Fred who are protecting you."

"I'm glad to hear that once again, you're okay with my job."

"But you're not here to talk about that, are you?" I got the feeling that Alli was starting to understand there was more to why I was trying to have this talk with her. I wasn't sure I would be able to get through to her, but I would definitely try.

"No, honey, I'm not." I shifted on the bed so I was facing her more as I rested my hand on the comforter. "You see, something didn't sit right with me the other day when we were in the kitchen. It wasn't the fact that you came into the kitchen seemingly frazzled when you stated you had a test in history that was half your grade, or the fact that you didn't even eat half your cereal. What did concern me was the fact that you were even worried about it in the first place."

"Which makes you think I wasn't really worried about it at all."

"We call that deflection. So the people around us think we're okay when under the surface we're really not."

"Right." She nodded slowly, twisting the knob on her lamp so it clicked on. "Like you're doing with all of this?" I was taken slightly aback that she had noticed. Of course, why would I think she didn't? If there was anything I learned about having kids, was the fact that they picked up on a lot more than we thought they did. "Don't think I haven't noticed the times you come home completely exhausted or in pain because of what happened in Iran. You lost a friend and someone who worked for you, yet you don't really talk about any of it."

"I don't talk about it because I don't think a part of me is ready to talk about it," I stated while staring absently at the picture of Alli and Stevie sitting on the other side of the lamp. It had been taken at Stevie's graduation when it had truly been better times than they were now. "So this is what has been bugging you, or am I missing something else?"

"Kind of." Alli shrugged, now throwing the green pillow to the side of her. "But can we talk about it tomorrow? It really has been a long day and I want to be able to get up for school in the morning."

"Sure. We'll talk about it later." I stood up slowly, stretching my back as I retreated across the room. "Light on or off?"

"Off, please."

"Alright. Goodnight, Noodle."

"Goodnight."