worth the risk • dean portman

chapter six

dean

I'm stuffed.

Seriously, I can't even move right now. If I had to stay in my bed forever, I'd accept it.

I knew my mom was making me food, but I didn't realize just exactly how much food she actually made.

After four rolls, a huge bowl of spaghetti and meatballs, and a salad the size of my face, I can now die happy. Even after all of the food I ate, there's still enough to feed the entire U.S. army with seconds. Okay, maybe not that much, but there's still so much food left.

Besides this amazing meal that my mom made for me, my favorite part of today was when Danny got home from school and realized I was here. He's been waiting for me to come home for a while now, and the huge hug he gave me as soon as he walked through the door definitely proved it.

Since this afternoon, I've played probably three games of roller hockey and countless rounds of NHL on the xbox that my mom saved up to buy me and Danny for Christmas two years ago. Yeah it's an older version, but it's an xbox nonetheless.

Speaking of the devil, Danny barges into my room with both controllers in hand. "Dean! Are you ready to finish the playoff series? This is for the Stanley Cup, remember?"

"Give me a few minutes Danny." I say with a huge sigh. "I'm completely stuffed."

"You've been lying on your bed for the past two hours!" he protests, a sulk forming on his face. "Besides, you haven't been home for months! The least you could do is spend time with your little brother."

He's eleven going on four, I swear.

"Fine, you win. Let's go."

With that, I sit myself up and groan when I feel my stomach churn. I ate way too much.

Regardless, I stand up and follow Danny out into the living room. I hook up the xbox and sit myself on the couch next to him, watching the screen as the loading credits light up the dark room.

Once everything is loaded, I select to continue our ongoing series and wait again for everything to load. When everything is ready, I press play and off we go. The game is intense, and I have to remind Danny to be quiet a few times so that he doesn't wake our mom.

Obviously, I win by quite a few goals. It helps when you have a hallmate who casually has an xbox just for his dorm, so the extra practice really came in handy.

Danny is really pissed, and I promise him that I'll play as much roller hockey as he wants while I'm here to make it up to him. He seems satisfied with my suggestion and walks into his room, probably to go to sleep.

Now, it's just me in the living room with my thoughts. Definitely not the most comfortable thing in the world, especially when you're in a place you hate. If I could pick any place to think, the living room of my run down house in the suburbs of Chicago would be at the bottom of my list. 

I wish nothing more than to help get my family out of here, but I don't know how I would even do that. It's not like I have the money to do that, even if I got a job. My mom barely makes enough to support us. And Danny, he's stuck living in this shitty house while I get to live in a nice dorm and go to a fancy school. This isn't fair. None of this is fair.

I feel myself start to get heated, and I decide to go back to my room before I end up putting my fist through the TV. I wouldn't be alive for more than a day if I did that, because my mom would skin me alive. So, I pick the smarter option and go back to my room.

I throw myself onto my bed and stare at the ceiling in anger. This is exactly why I hate coming back home, because these feelings always surface while I'm here. The guilt, the anger, the frustration, all of it.

Before I can process what I'm doing, I grab my phone and start a Facetime call to Morgan. Because it's late, there's a good chance that she won't answer. I don't care though. I just need to hear her voice and the reassurance that everything will end up okay.

Luckily, she answers after only a few rings. "You haven't even been home for an entire day and you're already calling me. Is it that bad or am I just special?"

Her joke makes my chuckle, but that's quickly replaced with a frown. "I hate it here."

"What do you mean?" she asks, a worried expression growing on her face. "What happened?"

"I just hate how much they're struggling and I can't do anything to help." I mumble quietly. "And it's not like I'm even around to help either. My mom and brother are stuck in this horrible place while I got an escape, and they don't even complain about it. They silently suffer so that I can live out my dreams. I feel so guilty. This isn't fair to them Morgan. It's not fair."

As I talk, I notice that my voice starts to crack. The next thing I know, tears are streaming down my face and I'm full on crying.

Well this is embarrassing.

"I'm so sorry my love. I'm so, so sorry." Her voice is soft and comforting, but I still can't stop crying.

"I hate him." I spit out. "I hate that stupid fucking piece of shit. He left us with absolutely nothing and yet somehow got to start over."

I feel my breathing start to become heavier, so I stop talking and focus on trying to calm myself down. Morgan stays silent, but I know she's only doing it to let me relax. She's the most respectful person I've ever met, and that's one of the many things I love about her.

Once I've calmed down enough, I clear my throat and look back at her. "Sorry, I got a little carried away."

"Don't apologize." she whispers gently. "You have every right to feel the way you do. What he did wasn't okay."

"Why does this all have to be so hard?" I ask, my voice cracking again.

I watch as a tear runs down Morgan's face, which makes my heart break even more. "I wish I knew. People suck."

"Don't cry." I say, wiping my own tears. "You're too pretty to cry."

"I just feel bad." she answers, but takes a deep breath and starts to fan her face so the tears that are running down it will dry.

We sit in the silence for a few minutes, and I feel myself start to fall asleep. I don't know if Morgan is still on the phone or not, but I still feel a blanket of comfort wash over me as I drift off.

At least I know that one day, everything will change for the better.