worth the risk • dean portman

chapter twenty five

morgan

Dean's in Chicago.

For the past week, that's all I've been able to think about. Basically every second of every day, my brain is consumed with tons of thoughts. Questions that are unanswered, things that don't make sense, and just plain confusion.

It still doesn't feel real that my boyfriend is hundreds of miles away and didn't even tell me. And it's not even just that. In all the time he's been there, he hasn't even reached out once to let me know how he's doing or if he's okay.

The last week and a half has honestly been a blur. I feel like I'm in a soundproof glass bubble, and anything anyone says to me isn't registering in my brain. I also can't remember the last time I wasn't stressed, because this whole situation combined with the stress of junior year is really starting to get to my head.

I know my friends are concerned about me, but I can't even bring myself to let them know I'm okay. I feel completely numb to everything, like I'm being swallowed into a bottomless pit that has no escape route. Whether I'll get out of it or not is a question of when Dean comes back, am I able to be with him?

Like I've done for the past week and a half, I go straight to my room when I get home from school. Once I've thrown my backpack onto the floor, I crawl into my bed and bury myself under the mound of blankets I have on it. Being under this pile is the only place where I can somewhat think and escape from everything going on.

I've been under my blanket pile for about an hour when there's a knock at my door. I don't answer, tensing up when I feel a figure sit next to me. "Hey Morg, you okay?"

The voice belongs to Julie, and the comforting tone it holds makes me uncover myself from under my blanket mound. I look at her and give her a small smile, shrugging my shoulders slightly. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"Are you sure?" she asks, her blue eyes looking at me knowingly.

"Yep." I manage to get out, ignoring the lump forming in my throat. "Seriously Jules, you don't have to worry about me."

"Okay, good." she voices in a cautious voice. "I just wanted to come check on you and how you're feeling now that the news is out."

I sit myself up and narrow my eyes at her slightly. "What? What news?"

A shocked expression forms on Julie's face. "What do you mean? You haven't heard anything?"

"No." I answer, shaking my head in confusion. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

I watch as her face goes slightly pale, which makes my heart sink into my stomach. "Julie, tell me what's going on." I demand. "You're scaring me."

"It's nothing bad, I swear." she says quickly. "It's just that... Dean's home."

Suddenly, it feels like all time has stopped. The only thing I can see are my hands, which are currently trembling as they rest on my lap. "What do you mean?"

"Yeah. He got home yesterday." she whispers. "Nobody wanted to tell you because they didn't want to make you upset, but I felt like I shouldn't keep you out of the loop. Connie is the only other person who knows I'm here telling you right now, because she honestly pushed me to come. But before you worry, Sadie and Ella don't know either. Just the Ducks."

I look up at her, not even bothering to hide the many things I'm feeling. "Thanks Jules. You're a great friend."

We sit in an awkward silence for a few minutes until Julie pulls me up and gives me a huge hug. "I know this isn't the way you wanted to find out, but think of the positive. He's back now, which means you can try and fix things with him. I believe in you, because I know you don't give up easily. This is something you shouldn't give up on either, just trust me."

Without another word, she lets go and walks out of my room. I stare at the wall until I hear my front door shut, which snaps me back into reality. I get to thinking, and I keep focusing on the last sentence she said.

"This is something you shouldn't give up on either, just trust me."

What does she mean by that? How does she know I've given up? Has Dean given up too? Or does he want to solve this problem just as much as I do?

The endless questions flood my head, and I'm crying within seconds. All of the information I've found out in the last ten minutes has left me extremely overwhelmed, and I guess crying it out is the only thing that'll help me clear my head.

It honestly sounds ridiculous, but my crying session actually does help to clear my head. I feel a lot more level-headed once I'm calm, and I decide that the best thing to do right now is to go shopping. I mean, what better way to distract myself from my problems with retail therapy?

When I get to the mall, I immediately head for the Nordstrom. The first place I go to once I'm inside is the Chanel store, because I've been wanting to buy myself a new bracelet for a while. I saw a diamond encrusted gold one last weekend when I was here with Ella and Sadie, and it would match my current stack perfectly.

I'm not going to lie, it definitely hurts a bit when the salesperson tells me that the bracelet's price is just over five thousand dollars. If I'm being honest, I wouldn't have bought it if I had my card with me. Since I have my dad's card though, I decide to go through with it. This can be part of his apology for listening to a stuck-up asshole who ruined my relationship.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat right now, but I actually don't do this often. Half of the nice things I have came from my own money. The reason why I bought this bracelet with my dad's card though, is because he gave it to me when I told him I was going to the mall.

He knows I'm going through something, but actually hasn't pushed me for answers. I guess letting me come here and spend money is his way of showing his support for me, which I appreciate. He knows shopping is one of the things that makes me the happiest.

Once I've purchased the bracelet, I buy myself two perfumes. One being Chanel No. 5, and the other being the Miss Dior Eau de Parfum. After buying the perfumes, I call it a day at Nordstrom and head to Lululemon. I grab a few things from there and then finally head to the food court to get a slushie.

By the time I get back to my car, I'm drained. Although shopping definitely helped me feel a little better about everything, I still can't deny that I'm nervous to see Dean. More questions start to flow through my mind, but only two stick out to me.

What's going to happen to us? And now that Dean's back in Minnesota, is my relationship with him worth saving?

**a/n**
hi guys! sorry it's taken me literally forever to update, but life has gotten in the way of writing, not to mention my severe writer's block. hopefully i can finish this book within the next week or two, because i really want to edit and get to work on the senior year book! thank you guys as always for all your support <3