worth the risk • dean portman

chapter twenty

dean

I genuinely can't believe this is happening.

I thought everything was perfectly fine, and then Morgan comes out of left fucking field with news that we can't be together anymore because her dad doesn't approve of me.

I don't know whether to be angry at him, or angry at myself. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither. Who knows? I'm so numb that I can barely feel or think about anything.

Who is he to say that we can't be together? Just because he's some big shot businessman doesn't make him the most qualified person to decide whether or not I'm allowed to date his daughter. That should be her decision, not his.

But then again, maybe he automatically sees what I've been refusing to for the past two years. I'm nowhere near what Morgan deserves. I can't take care of her and give her what she needs. My family barely has enough money to keep our shithole of a house, let alone have money for me to spend on someone who deserves it.

Maybe this sort of breakup was a blessing in disguise. It's giving me the wake-up call that has been waiting to show up since I've made myself quite comfortable with my new lifestyle. I mean, who are we kidding? I go to a fancy prep school where most of the kids are children of people that have more money than they know what to do with. This was bound to happen eventually.

I feel like I'm actually in a fucking fever dream. Everything around me just seems so... imaginary. Nothing is registering in my brain right now, and I don't think anything will for a while. It's like there are plugs in my ears that are just muting out everyone and everything.

Somehow, I'm able to make it to lunch without crying or losing my shit. That's how you know this is serious, because I usually lose my cool if a goddamn pin drops when I'm sad or pissed off. I don't know if I should be impressed with myself, or scared. Or maybe both, but what's the difference?

When I take my usual seat at the lunch table in between Fulton and Russ, I'm somehow able to notice the immediate whispers between Connie, Julie, Charlie, and Guy. I also know that they're talking about me, because of the way their eyes glance over to me every so often. They're probably just trying to figure out what's going on, and I don't blame them.

It only takes about thirty seconds from the time I sit down for Connie to say something. "Dean, are you okay?"

I open my mouth to answer, but shut it quickly. My brain has stopped me from saying anything, so I just nod my head instead. I feel bad about dismissing her, but I genuinely can't speak right now.

"What the hell happened?" I hear Luis ask Averman, a concerned look evident on his face. If he was trying to whisper, he did a really shitty job. I can almost guarantee that everyone at the table heard him, including me.

Averman shrugs and worriedly looks towards me, almost as if he's nervous that I'm going to do something. I finally feel emotion for a split second, and it's guilt. I should definitely be nicer to him, because I don't want him to actually be afraid of me. I like the guy. He's hysterical and great to be around.

I notice my team becoming more concerned as lunch goes on, and it's starting to make me anxious. I hate showing my emotions to begin with, and the fact that I'm visibly displaying them in front of so many people is very unsettling.

I'm about to just get up and leave when Fulton voices the question that I guess everyone's been wondering. "Portman, what the hell is wrong? You look like you're on the verge of exploding."

I don't know why, but my last thread of calmness snaps. I shoot up out of my seat and glare down at him. "You want to know what's wrong? I just got a big fucking reality check and I can't do anything about it, that's what's wrong. I can't have anything good without it getting taken away from me."

The entire table is silent, everyone staring at me in complete shock. This pisses me off even more, so I just roll my eyes and grab my stuff. I start storming out of the lunch room, and halt in my tracks when I see Morgan walking in with Lily, Addison, Ella, and Sadie all by her side.

I can tell she's been crying, because her eyes are extremely red and puffy. Besides, I've been dating her for two years. I know damn well what she looks like after crying, because I've been the person she comes to for comfort.

Seeing her like that overwhelms me completely, so I start walking and don't stop until I'm in the locker room. I don't even know why I'm in here to be honest, but I just needed a place to go. I need to be away from everything and everyone.

The thought of punching my locker flashes through my mind, but I quickly push it away. I don't want to deal with a possible broken hand when spring training starts next week. I'd also have to explain to Orion why I'm out, which is honestly a good enough reason on its own to keep me from doing anything stupid. That man scares me, and I don't want to get a mouthful from him. I get enough of them, and they're not fun. Trust me.

I sink myself onto a bench and put my face into my hands. I don't even get thirty seconds of peace before the door opens, and I can't say that I'm not relieved when I lift my head to see both Connie and Fulton walk in.

They sit next to me silently and wait for me to react. When I don't, Connie throws her arms around me and hugs me tightly. "I'm sorry Dean. I'm so sorry."

"I've heard that a lot recently." I mumble into her. "It sucks. I don't want to hear it anymore."

I'm sure she probably feels the tears that have started to stain her shirt, but I don't think she cares. I'm just thankful I have a friend here who is so willing to constantly comfort me and selflessly gives her time to help.

"I should've told you this, but Morgan told me everything the other day." she whispers quietly, and the way her voice cracks makes me even sadder. "I know I should've told you, but I didn't want to make you any more upset. I feel so awful."

"Don't feel bad Con." I say, my head still buried into her shoulder. "You were just looking out for me. I appreciate it a lot."

We sit like this for a while until I finally move and let her go. She gives me a sad smile and I squeeze her hand as my way of saying that I'll be okay. Fulton doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to. The guy has already done so much for me, and he knows that. He lets me live with him, and he's the best friend I've ever had. He and I both know that his presence is comfort enough.

We sit in the locker room for the rest of the period, mostly in silence. Even though I have no clue what I'm going to do about this whole situation, I'm so thankful that I have such amazing friends who care about me.

Right now, I'm okay. And that's really what matters the most.