worth the risk • dean portman

chapter nine

dean

This date is really making me nervous.

It's not because of anything you'd expect someone to be nervous about, like bad breath or nothing to talk about. Instead, I'm nervous because I've decided to really open up to Morgan about my childhood.

I know that seems weird to talk about out of nowhere, but it's a part of me that I've hidden for so long. I want to tell her everything, because she makes me want to open up more. How am I supposed to fully open up if I leave all of that out?

As we pull into the park, I swallow my nerves and take a deep breath. If I just keep reminding myself that everything will be fine, I'm hoping that it'll eventually sink in and I'll truly start to believe it.

I park the car quickly and sprint around to the passenger side, opening the door for Morgan so that she doesn't have to do it. "Ladies first."

"Thank you!" she says with a shy smile, and I watch the blush creep into her cheeks. She's so cute.

I interlace our fingers and lead her to the spot I picked out yesterday, when I knew I wanted this date to happen. I definitely feel way better talking about a subject like this in a nice and calming place.

Once I've found a spot I like, I throw the blanket onto the ground and make it nice-ish looking. I mean, it's not perfect, but I tried my best. I then place the picnic basket on the blanket and sit down, inviting Morgan to sit down next to me.

She immediately does, and I take a deep breath. Fuck, why is this so hard? She's my girlfriend of almost two years, so this should be a piece of cake. I don't understand why I'm making myself so worked up.

I mean, I do get it. I'm opening up about something that was pretty traumatic. However, I don't think I should be this nervous over it. I'm just telling Morgan. The girl who's always willing to give second chances, who is nice to everyone, and who loves harder than anyone I know.

I'll be fine.

Before I say anything though, I grab food for both of us. Hopefully sandwiches, chips, cookies, sodas, and fruit should be enough. I've never done one of these things before, so I think I at least deserve some credit.

I hand Morgan a sandwich and watch as she unwraps it carefully. "So," she starts. "What's up?"

"I want to open up to you about him." I say quietly, which causes her to put her sandwich on her lap and offer me a small smile.

When I say nothing, she reaches out and grabs my hand. "You don't have to. I'm here either way."

"No, I want to." I mumble quietly. "It's just hard."

"I know it is." she answers. "But I'm here to listen and help you, okay?"

I nod and take a shaky breath. "Okay. Well, it was a normal day in the fall. I remember coming home from school and seeing a bunch of suitcases in the living room. I remember the arguing too. I mean, it wasn't uncommon. They'd been arguing for years, but it'd gotten worse in the few months before he left."

I pause for a second, because I feel a lump in my throat forming. I clear my throat, and Morgan squeezes my hand immediately. It gives me a sense of comfort, which allows me to keep talking.

"Anyway, I get home to the suitcases and the arguing. It was coming from the kitchen, which was only a few feet away. Perks of living in a small apartment, right?" I try to chuckle at my joke, but that quickly turns into choked up cries. I try to blink back the tears, but I can't. They're coming too quickly for me to stop them.

"I walk into the kitchen to see my parents arguing, and my six year old brother Danny sitting on the floor with his hands over his ears. My first instinct was to run to Danny, but I didn't. Instead, I ran over to my parents to try and break them up. My dad started yelling at me to 'get the fuck out', to which I responded no. Apparently that was the wrong response, because he got in my face and started to unload on me."

I don't realize how tightly I'm squeezing Morgan's hand until she has to shake me out of whatever trance I'm in. She leans over, wipes the tears from my face, and kisses my cheek. "You don't have to keep going if you don't want to. I can see how hard this is for you."

"I'm going to anyway." I whisper. "I want you to know why I am the way I am."

After she nods quietly and grabs my hand again, I continue. "As soon as he got in my face, my mom tried to get him away from me. He wouldn't budge, and I was frozen. I knew he was drunk, but I'd never seen him this bad before. After a few minutes, he finally decided that he had yelled at me enough and grabbed his bags. He walked out, slammed the door behind him, and that's the last I ever saw of him. I haven't heard from him in the almost six years that he's been gone, and you know what? I'm fine with that."

I watch as Morgan sits there and stays expressionless. "I'm so sorry." I say quickly, causing her to blink. "That was way too much and I shouldn't have thrown all of that on you. I just thought that-"

"Dean." she interrupts, leaning forward and placing her hands on my face. "I'm so thankful you shared that with me, because now I really know you trust me. I can't even put into words how sorry I am this happened to you."

Instead of saying anything, I go the final distance and kiss her. You'd think it'd be crazy to be kissing someone after you just shared an insanely traumatic experience, but I guess it's just a way of showing love. I don't know though, I'm not that smart.

Before anything becomes too crazy, I quickly pull her up and pack everything up. When we reach the car, I open the trunk and throw everything inside. I start for the driver's seat, but Morgan shocks me by opening the back door and dragging me into the back seat.

I don't know how it happens, but both of our clothes come off and... yeah. This isn't the first time it's happened, but it's the first time it's happened in a while. There was also the time a few weeks after homecoming freshman year and the time after Ella's sweet sixteen party, but this is the first time since then.

After everything has been said and done, I feel closer to Morgan than ever. I feel proud of myself for finally opening up about something that's taken me so long to come to terms with, and for realizing it's okay to be a little broken.

**a/n**
hi guys!!! sorry it's taken me so long to update, but i've been enjoying the time off with my family. i don't really like this chapter, but only because i had no idea what to write for it. at least i have something down, so that's something! hope you all have a happy new year and stay safe!
love you guys <3
-c