Alice

Don't become me

I wake up the next morning on the couch, leaning against August. She has her arm around me and is still asleep.

I blink a few times, trying to help my eyes adjust. I realize that we must have both fallen asleep mid-movie. It was a good day to switch out my binder for a lose fitting sports bra.

I yawn, making August wake up. She looks down at me and rubs her eyes.

"Did we fall asleep?" She asks.

"Yeah, I think so," I say, finally rubbing my own eyes. I sit up straight.

"You definitely did," Justin says from the kitchen area. "The second the movie ended, you were both out like a light." 

"Are you making coffee?" August asks.

"Yup, you two want some?" He asks.

"Sure," I say, walking over to him.

"You still doing alright kid? Seeing the stuff you saw, doing what you did... It's not easy to forget." He says, leaning against the counter.

"I'll be okay, I think. It's still hard to think about." I say.

That's only half of the truth. If I told anyone the real truth, they would call me insane. The real truth is that I'm not having a hard time dealing with it. I did freak out in the moment but that's all it was, a moment.

The worst part is, some sick part of me is glad my brother is dead. He tried to kill me, he made my life a living hell, he got what he deserved. I hate to think I actually enjoyed it...

Justin must notice that I'm lost in thought because he puts his hand on my shoulder to bring me back to reality.

"Mikey?" He says, slightly shaking my shoulder.

"Hm? Yeah, yeah I'm okay," I say, almost automatically. He looks at me, concerned, almost scared.

"Hey Vinny," I hear August say. I turn around to see Vinny emerge from the bunks.

"Mornin'," he says, clearly still half asleep. He walks over to a cabinet and takes down two coffee cups.

"You two having any coffee?" He asks. I nod. He takes down another two cups and sets them on the small counter.

The coffee finishes dripping into the pot and Justin pours out four cups of coffee.

"Do you want creamer or anything in your coffee?" I ask August. I think she's still waking up because she looks like she's still fighting sleep.

"Just a little bit of creamer and like two sweeteners," she says. I make her coffee with a splash of creamer and two sweeteners. I give her the cup and she smiles at me.

I put about 5 sweeteners in my coffee and take a sip.

"Holy shit, that's so much sweetener," Vinny says, laughing a little bit as he puts creamer and sugar into his own coffee.

"Who else do you know who drinks coffee like that?" Justin asks, jokingly.

"You and spencer drink the exact same coffee... almost like he's your dad or something," Vinny jokes.

"Something like that," I joke back.

"You still doing okay? I know last night was rough." Vinny says.

"It's... It's complicated." I say. I don't even know Vinny that well, I've only talked to him a few times. Still, I would tell him half of the truth if I wasn't less that 10 feet away from Ricky, Ryan, Justin, Chris, and August.

"Speaking of your dad, do you want to stay with us for the drive or head back to your bus?" Justin asks.

"If you have time, I think I'd like to go back to Ice Nine bus." I say. "I'm guessing since my phone broke it's back to babysitter rules."

"Babysitter rules?" Vinny asks.

"Yeah, I have to be around one of a few specific adults at all times, with the exception of August." I say.

"I'll walk you back, just let me get my shoes on." Justin says, putting down his coffee cup. He sits down on the couch and puts his shoes on.

"Can you walk me back too? I just don't want to walk by myself." August says.

"Yeah, of course. I think Mikey's bus is between yours and ours, right?" Justin asks. August nods, putting on her shoes too.

I very quickly realize I fell asleep wearing the boots Justin gave me. Guess I was really tired.

I finish my coffee and put the cup in the sink. Justin and August walk me back to Spencer's bus.

"Hey Mikey, come in." Patrick says, basically pulling me onto the bus. "Are you okay? Spencer told me what happened."

"I- I think? Where is spencer?" I ask.

"I'm just glad you're alive kid, Jesus fuck." Patrick says, pulling me into a hug and completely ignoring my question. I hug him back.

"I'm alive." I say. "Where's spencer?" I ask him again. He lets go of me and looks towards the bunks.

"In his bunk, probably awake." He says. He walks over to the bunks and sticks his hand through one of the curtains. Spencer shouts in response. I didn't expect him to be jumpy.

"Mikey's back." Patrick tells him. Spencer gets put of the bunk and walks over to me.

"Kid, hey, you alright?"  He asks. With how many people have asked me that I'm starting to think I shouldn't be as alright as I am.

"Yeah, actually I wanted to walk to you about that. Privately?" I ask. Spencer nods and we both walk off the bus.

"So, you remember how I mentioned it being so... easy?" I start to explain.

"I do."

"Well I hate to admit it and I feel like an awful person for saying this but I think I feel like he deserved it, you know? He did nothing but make my life a living hell and, and -" I start to lose track of my words.

"Hey, Mikey, he did deserve it. He tried to fucking kill you. If you hadn't killed him I would've." Spencer says, putting his hand on my shoulder to comfort me.

"I know, and I think that's why I don't..." I hate the words I'm about to say. "I don't regret it, or feel bad about it, and I know I should. I know I should feel some kind of guilt or shame, or something, literally anything. I would rather feel proud of it that nothing about it at all. Honestly I don't know what wrong with me and I-" I start to spiral.

I feel a strange sense of revenge about killing my brother but I'm not proud or ashamed of it. I feel nothing towards him, no regret, no joy in killing him, nothing at all.

"Hey, hey, hey, Mikey it's okay." Spencer says. "The first time something like this happens it's, it's terrifying in the moment and then its numb, you start to forget what it felt like. Just don't turn into me trying to remember how that felt. You don't need that." Spencer says.

"I won't, I won't."

"Please, if nothing else, do not turn into me." He says again, pulling me into a hug. I feel tears start to roll down my cheeks. Spencer seems genuinely afraid of me being like him. I feel bad for scaring Spencer.

"We gotta hit the road, we have a hotel for 2 days before the show. We probably want to check in soon." Spencer says, letting go of me and wiping his face. He was crying too.

"Yeah, yeah we should get going." I say, wiping my eyes.

We get back on the bus and it doesn't take long for us to start the drive.

A/n 2 for 1 special