Alice

final days

after the show, noah and i stood away from the group to talk. not even purposely, we just drifted away from everyone else.

"I'm really sorry about the way i delt with those protesters earlier, my temper is a bit... much sometimes." he says. he looks down at the ground, like a child who knows they've done something wrong. 

"what do you mean? honestly i would've done the same thing if i wasn't terrified." i tell him. 

"if vinny hadn't pulled me away i probably would've put that guys teeth against the curb." noah says with an awkward laugh. 

"ricky had to drag chris away for the same reason, that's just how shit goes sometimes. honestly I appreciate it." i say. 

august comes over to us and drags me and noah both back over to the group. "hey, there they are! what do you guys want for the big cook out at the last show?" justin asks. 

"last show already?" i ask. it doesn't feel real. none of this has felt real, suddenly getting a real family, or at least something close to it. what should've been the worst tradgety of my life ended up being the beginning of my life. 

"those ribs you made were pretty good." noah says. 

"right? my dads recipe." justin says. he types something on his phone and puts it in his back pocket. "you want to ride on our bus again? it's probably the last bus ride after all." he asks. 

"sure! can we get august to come too?" i ask. justin agrees. after we finish packing things into busses, august and i head to the motionless in white bus. everyone but ryan is already there. 

"you know what i just realized, i think ryan is the only one in your band that doesn't know mikeys actual story." august points out. she sit on the couch and connects a controller to the xbox. 

"i... holy shit yeah." chris hesitates. "i didn't even think about that. how did that even happen?" he looks over at justin. 

"we're the most connected to spencer, probably because of me. he's been friend with Patrick for a while, and he's pretty close with ricky but hasn't known him too long. probably also helps that some of us either already knew about spencers bullshit or had our own bullshit." justin says.

"well vinny heard about my brother, so i felt like he deserved to know. justin you almost punched spencer so you had to be told. ricky was told for legal stuff, and Chris, you were told because justin said to tell you when all that shit went down with my brother." i explain.

"yeah we all just kind of fell into it i guess." ricky says. there's a sound from behind the bunks, everyone whips their heads around to look. 

"and i know cause you guys can't whisper on a bus." ryan says. he gets out of his bunk and just sits on the couch. 

"you know? how long have you known?" chris says. 

"since mikey had to stay the night, his brother. i was too asleep to know if it was real or fake but I've figured it out by now. you could've just told me mikey." he says, looking at me. he puts a comforting hand on my shoulder and for somereason i feel wetness drip down my face. 

"you aren't angry no one told you?" i ask.

"who would i be angry at? you? hell no, you're a kid just trying to get by. spencer? i barely know him, so of course he wont tell me. chris? I'm a little mad at chris but I'll get over it. just cause I'm a little mad doesn't mean anything bad is going to happen. you did nothing wrong kid i promise." ryan says.

he gently pulls me into a hug and i fall into him, crying quietly. i'm not sure why i'm crying, he's been nothing but kind to me the entire time I've been here. he doesn't know any of the context but he's still willing to hug me despite all of the unknowns.