Alice

day 1, here goes nothing (tw)

Heavy tw for the first part of this chapter. I will put ~🦋~ when the tw has passed.

The bus is more comfortable than I expected it to be. I slept fairly well on the couch, that is until I had another nightmare.

I'm 4 years old. My mother sits on the bed next to me and asks me to pick between two dresses. I pick out the red one and she helps me change. She looks sad as she paints my nails to match my dress. "I'm sorry, Alice." She says, kissing my forehead before leaving the room. He comes into the room and I feel a familiar dread wash over me. This isn't the first time, I was too young to remember the first time.

He towers over my bed, staring down at me. "did you pick you're own dress sweety?" He asks. I nod. "you look rashiving." He says.

Those words make me feel sick.

He puts his hand gently against my face and starts to put his other hand in his pants. His jeans unzip and his hand moves--

I sit up straight, tears pouring from my eyes. I'm shaking, I can't help but remember what his hands felt like on me. I can never forget what it felt like.

~~~~🦋~~~~

I try to take a deep breath but every breath I take is shaky and uncertain. I look around, trying to remind myself that I'm not there anymore, that it's not happening anymore. I notice the faint daylight coming in through the window.

No one else is on the bus. I see a Motorola flip phone with a sticky note on the counter. The note says "the phone I promised, preloaded with numbers :) -s".

I pick up the phone and it's fully charged. The contacts list has Spencer, Chris, Patrick, Justin, and Andy.

I put the phone in my backpack and dig through my clothes for something to wear. I end up with a chest binder, a black shirt, black jeans, and a black and gray zip up hoodie.

Despite trying to push through it, the tears never stopped running down my face, I'm still shaking. I'm still being forced to remember my horrible dream.

I put my phone in my hoodie pocket but as I pick it up I notice a notification.

J: coming to pick u up from the ink bus

I text back a simple OK before I hear a knock at the bus door. I look out the window and see Justin. I open the door and Justin notices my emotional state immediately.

"Hey kiddo, what's the matter?" He asks as I open the door and step out of the bus. I hesitate to tell him.

"Bad dream." I say simply.

"One hell of a bad dream. You wanna talk about it?" He asks. I shake my head and try unsuccessfully to dry my face with my sleeves. Justin gently wraps his arms around me in a hug that I lean into. I didn't realize how much I needed that hug.

We stay in that hug for longer than I meant to. Eventually he lets me go and says, "If you do want to talk about it, I'm here to listen." That one sentence opens the flood gates I had kept closed for years.

"My bio-dad was way more shitty than most people know. The only other person who has any idea what he did is Spencer. He did awful things to me when I was really really little and --" I start to choke up.

"I have nightmares about it sometimes. Honestly I'm used to dealing with it by myself, but some days that's harder to do than others." I say, managing to regain some semblance of composure.

We make our way to the Motionless In White bus and I see Vinny, Ricky, and Ryan playing video games. Chris waves when me and Justin walk in.

"Hey Mikey, Spencer wanted us to watch you because he's got an interview to go to. You want a grilled cheese?" He asks, standing in front of the single burner stove in their bus.

"Sure." I say, sitting down next to Vinny. "What are you playing?" I ask.

"super smash ultimate, want to try?" He asks, offering me his controller. I take the controller and immediately walk off the edge of the map.

Vinny laughs and shows me the controls, he also points out which character I am. I pick up the game pretty fast.

After a few hours of playing games with them, there's a knock at the bus door. Chris answers it.

"Hey August, what's up?" Chris says. I turn my head quickly.

"August is here?" I ask. I see August walk onto the bus and she waves excitedly when she sees me. I hand the controller back to Vinny and stand up to greet August.

She wraps me in a hug and I have to stand on my tip toes. She's so much taller than me, she has to be at least 6ft without the heels and I'm only 5'8 with shoes on.

We sit and talk for hours, and I mention how my hair used to be way longer and I used to put it in braids. August's eyes light up as soon as I say that.

"Can you braid my hair?" She asks. "I don't know how to and the only other person I know who can is my mom."

"Yeah, of course I can! Here let me sit behind you" I say, getting up from my place next to her on the floor to sit on the couch behind her. She excitedly sits in front of me.

"Let me get you a brush." Ricky says, getting up and quickly returning with a brush and a few hair ties.

I part August's hair in the middle and make two French braids on either side, leaving her bangs out. She runs to the bathroom to look at them and comes back with the biggest smile I've ever seen.

She basically picks me up off the couch and hugs me, "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! They look so good!" She says.

"No problem, I'm glad you like them!" I say. There's another knock on the door and Chris answers again.

Patrick leans his head into the bus. "Hey Mikey, I'm on pick up duty." He says.

August points to her hair and says "Patrick look, he braided my hair!"

"That looks sick!" He says. I follow him out of the bus and Justin comes with us.

"Patrick, am I allowed to know why you're picking up Mikey and not Spencer?" Justin asks, seeming concerned.

"The interviewer mentioned some of his old bandmates, and that sent him over the edge. He's out, uhh... working." Patrick says. I see it click in Justin's head.

Spencer is pissed, he's gone, Patrick said he was working, I have feeling I know what he's doing.

"Shit. I'll find him, he can't be far." Justin says.

"You may have to--" Patrick cuts himself off. "I know I know. It wouldn't be the first time and you know that." Justin says, walking away.