HE IS HELL

Chapter six

Chapter six

Waking up, I felt the heaviness first – something, or rather, someone had their arm lumped upon my stomach. Looking to my left, Matthew lay on his back, his chest bare and arms spread like angel wings. I looked to his chest, seeing three scars on his left side as I turned my body towards him. Curiosity got the better of me as my index finger slowly traced the scars.

They are quite pretty.

As a woman who had a fair few herself, it was more of a sickening relief that his were more prominent. Mine laced my arms and legs, the countless times I had wished to die yet never having the guts to do so; so instead, I used anything sharp – a temporary release to satisfy the screams in my mind. My life wasn't bad. I had a family, a few friends however, the many names I had been called, the many times I had been compared with other females and the losses – I didn't want to live with that.

I had tried to change; to lose weight and become smart –but, what was the point when living became too much and all your mind consisted of was how worthless you were and that you were, in truth, better off dead? It was as if I was in a constant state of regretful obsession. Regretful for being alive, yet obsessed with how I lived. I sighed silently, knowing I shouldn't be thinking of such things at this moment in time, yet I couldn't help it.

"Katherine?"

Oh, I must have woken him up.

"Hey, sorry, did I wake you?" He shook his head at my question, closing his eyes again he let out a breath. "I feel like shit." I laughed. "No wonder, you were quite drunk last night." Matthew nodded, slowly sitting up, his back now in front of me. He was quite tanned, his back having long black hairs stand out in odd places – his shoulders were broad, lined with one to ten single hairs. It was cute – in some ways.

"Hm, yeah, I think I drank too much. Are the others awake?" I paused. Shit, I forgot about them. "I'm not sure, I only just got up myself. I haven't heard anything though."

We both left the bed, me stretching subtly while Matthew opened the door – I could see the feet of Abe hanging over the back of the couch and muscle guys' shaved head poked through next to them. Top and tail. I haven't done that in years.

I looked at the clock that hung just above the space saving table, just past 10 am. Earlier than I thought. "Katherine, what time are you planning on going back?" Oh, I forgot it was Sunday. "Whenever you want me too. I don't have a specific time, just as long as it's before the last bus then it's fine." I feel so awkward. Matthew nodded, walking towards a still sleeping Abe, peering over the sofa and laughing. "He's drooled everywhere." Shaking my own mind, last night's conversation crept in. What exactly did he mean? I didn't want to pry so much if I was going to find something I couldn't keep quiet. Should I ask? I mean, is it really my place to do so?

I hate secrets. They were nothing but trolls gnawing at your insides.

After a few minutes of contemplating, I decided not to ask. It wasn't my place, plus it was probably just a drunken lie. The others had all started to wake as Matthew made noises in the kitchen, making himself a sausage toastie with ketchup – my mouth watered. Suddenly feeling incredibly hungry – I wasn't hungover, although the slight pounding in my head told me differently. I walked towards the tall man, his mousey brown hair holding a gold tint as he turned to me.

"Katherine, do you want anything to eat?" I nodded, a little too eagerly. "Help yourself, there's probably pizza left in the oven."

No sausage toastie? I felt a little disheartened at that, I brushed it off quickly turning to the oven behind the door. There was pizza left. Half a slice, that is. Hearing the boys switch on the TV, I walked to the bedroom, closing the door behind me and sitting on the side of the bed. My mobile was sitting on top of the duvet as I grabbed it, switching it on and scrolling through my social media. Nothing new, old stuff, oh! Tristan would like that.

"Katherine? Where are you at?"

"I'm in the bedroom!" I called back to Matthew; my voice cracked slightly at the end. The door opened as he popped his sweet face inside.

"What are ya doing in here? We're just having food then they're going. We can walk to the bus stop in about twenty minutes."

"Bus stop?"

"Yeah, to get to the boat. Work wants me back tonight." I nodded, disappointed – I wanted to spend more time with him. "OK, I'll get ready." As he walked back to the front room, leaving the bedroom door open, I stood from the bed. The room was a little messy as I grabbed my belongings, tying my jumper around my waist. I stretched as I placed my rucksack on my shoulders, letting the breath out that I had been holding. I didn't want to leave, it felt as if I had only just seen Matthew. Strangely, I missed him although he was within reach.

Looking around the pale room I sighed yet again, my mind was a turmoil of emotions. I was happy, so so happy. However, a part of me dreaded leaving in case this was all he wanted. A quick, friends with benefits shag.

He said he likes me though, that's gotta mean something at least.

"Katherine, are you ready?" To my surprise, Abe called. I nodded back through the open door. "I'm ready."

It took us 40 minutes to get to the boat, Matthew held my hand as we boarded. Our conversation was short, just hands caressing one another's. It was bliss.

"Is it bad that I know I'm going to miss you?" Relief flooded my heart so quickly as Matthew spoke. "I'll miss you too. I don't want to go." I replied back, a lump lodged in my throat as I looked away from Matthew, the empty seat beside me now holding all of my interest while my eyes blinked rapidly.

Don't cry, you'll look stupid if you do.

...but I'm going to miss him so much.

"What are you going to do when you get back?" He asked, the smell of his cologne circled my nose as I closed my eyes, secretly thinking back to the bedroom. "Probably some college work. I think I have an art piece to submit before next week."

"What kind of art piece is it? I know quite a bit about art."

"You do? Ah, I can't really remember but I can send you the name when I look through it." Nice one Katherine, I guess that's one way of finding out if whatever we are can continue.

"Sure, I can help you if you want?" I nodded so quickly. Shy, yet excited.

Matthew was checking the train times for me as we reached the pier, quickly grabbing our belongings and rushing to the station just next door – my train arriving within minutes. Thankfully, I had the ticket already – buying an open return. It felt so quick as my train arrived, a hug that lasted mere seconds and a goodbye kiss that lingered upon my lips as I watched Matthew from the window of the cart – running towards his own train.

As soon as he was out of sight, it happened.

Something I never thought would happen.

Why am I crying?