HE IS HELL

Chapter nineteen

Chapter nineteen

With 6 am fast approaching, I knew I had to get ready within the next hour to catch the bus, train and boat. Matthew had given me tonight to make it up to him, to prove how sorry I was for having sex with others while we were split up. I just wanted to see him. He had apologized for shouting, sobering up after a couple of hours of listening to his old music and thinking things through. My head was still pounding while I smoked, deciding to surprise Matthew with a small hair change. He had told me before how he thought I would look good with a shaved side, so I did just that. A small amount, yet enough to be noticeable.

I wanted to please him, make him happy being with me.

I didn't want to be alone.

I applied my eyeliner once again – having to take off the previous days' makeup, deciding to go all out for Matthew. I straightened my black hair, put my fake stretcher earrings in and wore a tight shirt with high waisted jeans accompanied by my new black platform boots. Matthew, I knew, would love those as I zipped them up and looked in the mirror – admiring the reflection. Throwing my backpack on I turned to leave my bedroom, knowing the first bus of the day would shortly arrive.

The boat was at 7:45 am as I rushed from the platform to the counter – a woman stood, neatly dressed in a customized uniform behind it. Petite figure with chestnut brown hair tied professionally in a bun.

"Hi, could I have a return ticket please? Oh, the open return." It was so much cheaper and you didn't need to leave the island for a month. The woman nodded, tapping her long manicured fingers on the keyboard. I was slightly jealous of her womanly features.

"That will be £25.99, please." Even her tone of voice was as soft as a summer's day! Handing the woman – known as Rebecca from her name-tag, both a £10 and £20 note, she handed me the ticket along with my change, pointing to which lane I had to go too.

Within moments a hoard of people came rushing in, demanding tickets and lining up – many in their own work uniform. I was glad for my early arrival – not sure if I would have made it in time as they opened the barriers for us all to walk inside the boat. Instead of the hour long journey, I opted for the 20 minute one; not wanting to be alone in the middle of an ocean for too long. Taking a seat, I looked out the window, feeling like Rose when she was about to meet Jack. Nerves and travel sickness bonded together. I couldn't distinguish between the need to throw up or jump in joy. I texted Matthew to let him know I would be there soon.

To: Matthew

I'll be on the island soon. What bus do I need to get to get to yours? X

I was worried about the reply, secretly hoping he would meet me outside when I arrived. However, disappointment hit my heart at his reply.

From: Matthew

You should have checked it before you left. Now I have to look. It's number 58. By the way my friends are here and we're going out in a bit so be quick.

I blinked away the stinging sensation in my eyes, deciding to ignore his annoyed behavior and reapplying my mauve lipstick. I didn't message back just yet. I'll message him when I'm near, give him a bit of time. I felt like a child that was being scolded by their parents, there wasn't any guilt, just sadness and desperation to be held in Matthews' arms again. I wanted to run away from him but my belief and heart said to stay. I had always told myself '..the first person you sleep with should become the person you spend your life with.' I was beginning to question my faith in that belief.

But I wanted him so badly.

The ride was thankfully only 24 minutes long as I eagerly ran to the nearest pavement to feel some relief as I rolled a cigarette, lighting it. Taking my Samsung mobile out I looked at my maps for the nearest bus stop – it being all the way down the pier and to the left. It wasn't far, but walking down the pier for five minutes watching the ocean beneath you slush at the beams – I shivered. Fast paced walking was required as I rushed down the pier, no longer caring for my appearance. My irrational fear of water crept around my chest as I puffed out small panic stricken breaths. Nearly there. One more minute. Many people in their cars passed me, watching as I waddled down the rest of the pier finally making it to the end and sucking in a deep breath. Composing myself I headed for the bus stop and waited.

It wasn't long before the bus arrived, dropping me off near Matthews' flat – I was terrified, nervous and happy all at once as I messaged him, deciding to pop to the shop first.

To: Matthew

I'm here. Going shopping first. Need anything?

He quickly responded.

From: Matthew

Yeah. Can you grab us some na-an bread sweetie x

I almost scoffed at the emotional change in Matthew. Horrid when I do wrong but acts nice when he wants something. Shaking my head I went inside the store, grabbing his na-an bread first then headed for the slush puppy machine pouring myself the blue flavoring into a large plastic cup. I debated on buying Matthew a present – either a chocolate bar or a crate of beer, going for the first option I paid at the counter – ignoring the male cashiers' gaze traveling down my cleavage.

The walk was short to Matthews' – himself standing outside the kitchen smoking as I turned the corner. I almost stopped at the sight of him, not seeing his muscular frame for three months; he was as attractive as the first day we met. The bundle of butterflies in my stomach erupted when his murky brown eyes connected with my own. He nodded in greeting as I climbed over the brick wall, cutting through the back garden to the balcony.

"Hey, did you get the na-an bread?" He asked, voice dull. Is that really all he has to say to me? I nodded, handing him the bread on its own. Hell if I was going to give him the chocolate bar with an attitude like that! Matthew took the bread, throwing his cigarette on to the grass and walked inside, closing the door behind him – leaving me to stand there with a confused, stunned look upon my face. I was taken back by his ungratefulness, feeling as if my attempt at reconciling was futile. I stood there for a few moments before lighting my own cigarette – I scoffed quietly, did he want me here or not?

Temptation crawled inside my mind to just ask him outright, however, I was afraid of the outcome. I wanted to hold on to him for as long as I could. Finishing up my cigarette I stomped it out and headed inside, slowly opening and closing the door to not alert him of my presence. I heard other voices, remembering he had friends over as I awkwardly stood in the kitchen knowing if I went to his room I would have to pass the living room – the door being open. I bit my lip, chewing down and tasting the mauve lipstick; fisting the arm of my backpack I walked down the hallway – determined to ignore any eyes staring my way as I darted for the bedroom.

I didn't notice I held my breath until I shut his bedroom door behind me – it was a mess. Beer bottles and cans dusted the floor and his ashtray full to the brim with messed up bedsheets and used tissues. I gagged at the smell, recognising it to be his semen as I picked the tissue up and threw it in the bin before I sat on the bed. The room was in desperate need of a clean. Not wanting to stay in the room, I opened up the window, allowing the air to circulate, then I went through his drawers, finding the white bin bags he kept inside. Opening one up, I walked around the small room picking up wrappers, tissues and to my surprise, an unused condom packet. I didn't want to know why it was there so I placed it inside the drawer as I continued. It was only a few minutes' job as I placed the full bin bag next to the window, then used the empty red bin for the cans and bottles.

Next was the bed sheets as I smoothed them out, a dark red under-sheet accompanied by floral bedding. It was sweet. The room looked better as I used my vanilla mist spray to give it a nice touch – Matthew then poked his head through the door.

"Katherine, what are you doing here? We're about to have curry then go out. You want some?" He asked, wearing his red and white dotted shirt again. I nodded in response, opening my mouth to speak.

"I, uh, I cleaned the room. Where's the bins and I'll take the bag and bottles out?" I couldn't look him in the eye as I focused on the thickness of his collar bone – fixated on the small movement.

"Oh, thanks. Bins are out the front. Leave it, I'll take them out later. We're going out soon so get ready." Nodding again at his softening tone I looked to his eyes, fighting the urge to look away. "Where are we going again?" I asked, hearing him sigh. I pissed him off again.

"We're going to the club from last time. I'll get you a beer before we go. Go in the front room, I'll be there in a second."

I really should learn to keep my mouth shut.