HE IS HELL

Chapter fourteen

Chapter fourteen

Matthew and I had been together for five months when our first argument happened. It was scary, be it over a telephone call. I blame myself in all honesty, I was doubtful of him nor did I listen. A few weeks after the Tristan incident Matthew called me while Tristan and I were at the park – he remembered that night then, asking why I had met Tristan knowing he didn't want me too. There was no answer from me, just a hitched breath and trembling lips. I kept my composure in front of Tristan, I didn't want him to worry. He had enough to deal with.

It was late when I answered Matthews' drunken call, moments before I had told him I wanted to break the relationship up. Matthew didn't know I had seen the messages to other women on the dating app or the folders containing over a thousand images and videos – images from his exs and Jackie, his female best-friend in lingerie. I felt betrayed and upset. Matthew, this God-like man – of course he would prefer another woman I thought as I looked at the tall mirror in my bedroom. My stomach full of rolls, disgustingly squishy, my nose ruined most of my face with the overbearing size of it.

I'm out of shape, ugly and frigid. Of course he wouldn't keep me.

My mobile buzzed once again as I tapped on the call button, regretting the decision as Matthews' voice bounded down the speaker. "Katherine will you fucking answer me! Why are you breaking up with me?" I could hear the empty bottles being pushed about in the background – it was a Friday and the drinking had started sooner than I hoped. I was glad that he wasn't here, slightly afraid of seeing how he would react.

"Have you met someone else? Fucking slag." I choked on my breath as Matthew spoke again, frustration boiled in my chest as I shouted back. "No you idiot! I'm breaking up with you because I've seen all the messages and pictures. Unlike you, I'd never cheat." I was seething through my teeth as the tears fell down my cheeks – guilt setting in for being mean to him.

"What are you on about? You're fucking crazy." I let the line go silent, not wanting to respond as Matthew spoke again. "Fine, fuck you then. You were just some fun to play with."

The dial tone sounded on death ears as Matthews' once melancholic northern voice tore apart at my insides. Grief, sadness, disappointment, pain and numbness echoed longingly inside my chest.

For the first time in my life, I felt like dying.

The night flickered as I smoked one cigarette after the other, stopping at the local shop with my ID in hand – a pack of eight beers in the other. Instead of dying that night, I chose to get drunk and listen to sad songs; forcing myself to enjoy the freedom.

I knew however, that freedom would bring such a lonely soul to fall apart.

A few days quickly passed, the constant checking my mobile for messages or missed calls pained with the absence and my appetite quickly diminished. My artwork filled my fingertips with smudged mistakes and Tristans' voice drowned in my ears. Matthew hadn't even messaged but watched from afar on my social stories, not having the courage to block him I left him to watch – adding more and more just to catch his attention.

I missed him.

I messaged Tristan when I came home from college, deciding to have another beer. Knowing he had recently split with his partner I thought of throwing caution to the wind. Would he actually sleep with me though? I questioned the thought – I did want him, but not in the innocent way I usually did. I wasn't certain, too worried about our friendship I asked how he was instead.

I wanted comfort, affection – a quick usage and exchange. That's all I was anyway.

Downloading the dating app I swiped right on every male within a ten mile radius. Message after message popped up with the predictable flirting, them trying to swoon me into their bedroom. I grew bored quickly until one of my social platforms dinged with a new message. It was a guy.