Tea Parties in Boston

60 - A Crack

Chapter 60

December 24th, 2022, Nantucket

It had been a long and strange morning - the Christmas Eve morning at the airport, taking a commercial flight, had not been their brightest idea and they'd nearly missed the flight after being mistakenly guided to the wrong gate from the lounge. Thankfully, the plane had waited for priority boarders without question.

It was also kind of funny how Em, clueless that the large suitcase they'd brought with them as extra held presents, had fallen asleep the minute she got into their rental car over at Nantucket, not on the flight like she often did. Considering they only had about a ten minute drive to the Sandcastle, Logan had decided to take a detour, and stretch Em's nap into at least a half-an-hour one, so the girl wouldn't be grumpy once she did wake. Clearly she'd needed that nap and Logan was thinking like a parent would.

It was not like they were in a huge rush, they were in good time for dinner, but the silence that lingered in that car between Rory and Logan, having on the plane earlier been seated separately from each-other, was palpably awkward nonetheless. It was like their relationship was on hold - polite and friendly but withheld.

The car stereo blasted Matthew Perryman's 'Careless Man' and just like at the wedding a few weeks ago, many of its phrases, including "I would love you, you can't break my heart again," - seemed to be hitting the nail, reminding Rory how heartbreaking it had been to see Logan angry and dissapointed at her, to witness him hurting because of him just a few days ago.

Since Logan had been visiting his father - just a courtesy visit - with his sister the day before, he hadn't had much contact with Rory either, so she hadn't given him the play-by-play on Tucker. But she knew better now to do it as soon as the moment presented itself. And this was it.

"You were right... and I'm sorry," Rory decided to say, wanting to ease the tension between them before they arrived at the Sandcastle. She wasn't even sure if her mother would be there but the last thing she wanted to do was give her or anyone ammo against this relationship - so the least she could do was try to clear the air before they got there.

Logan's mind had been in a steady, low humming, state - calm and gathered but not at all satisfied with the way things were. He was troubled and unsure. But determined to make it through the holidays without major drama. The goal was a united front for Em's sake, everything in order to spend Christmas with his daughter for the very first time. The fact was giving him a guilt trip on its own, and that, along with the lingering unpleasantness concerning having been to see his father, however briefly, had kept him distracted enough to not obsess over him and Rory for now.

"Uh?" Logan cleared his voice, acknowledging her statement, glancing briefly into the rear view mirror to make sure Em was asleep. It was the first time they'd discussed them in her vicinity.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about... you know... Tucker...," Rory began, struggling to get her explanation out. She hated even saying the name by now. It sounded too perky, too energetic somehow - just like the man was. "...because I didn't even know you knew him. Whether you even remembered that whole thing... I didn't want to dig that old thing back up," Rory said and took a deep breath, feeling like she wasn't doing a good job at it. She took another tactical breath and added - "I didn't want you to worry without reason..."

"And now there's a reason?" Logan asked, trying to look focused on the driving on the narrow roads, while deep down he read into this way more than Rory wanted.

"No. But working with Tucker is... weird. I can tell it's going to be weird....," Rory admitted.

"Huh?" he replied, having not expected her to say that. He knew what he considered dangerous about this, but hadn't been quite sure she saw it the same way for the same reasons.

"At the Christmas party...um... he kind of told me he had a crush on me back in college. And... he kind of inquired into my current relationship status," Rory confessed, feeling so ashamed that she hadn't somehow nipped this in the bud before Tucker had even dared to ask.

"He, what?!" Logan exclaimed, struggling to keep his voice down. He glanced back in the mirror, seeing Em just barely wiggle her nose, being still fast asleep. He continued to drive.

"He promised not to ask again, he said that he didn't expect anything. But I agree.... it's still awkward," Rory confessed, having begun to see how Logan's concern wasn't completely irrational.

"Isn't that something for the HR to handle? Some nerve!" Logan didn't hide his jealousy.

"He did everything by the book. Asking is not forbidden," Rory said. This didn't mean it hadn't made her uncomfortable, however.

"So what did you tell him?" Logan asked after a brief moment of silence, partially caused by him needing to stop the car and take a right at a stop sign.

"Well... he asked if you were my husband, and I said you were... something like that," Rory repeated her words from that night. "I know it's not perhaps the word choice you would've liked me to say, but I was caught off guard... and um.. I didn't know what...," Rory explained apologetically, desperately hoping her word choice wouldn't cause him more hurt.

Logan let that one go. It was technically correct. It was one step up from 'Logan', how she'd introduced the two, it was even half a step up from 'the guy I'm dating' and pretty close to 'boyfriend' had it not left a certain hint of 'complicated' in the air.

"But do you feel some connection to him? Still?" Logan asked, that same desparation showing through his voice he'd showed her a few days ago.

Rory wished there was an easy answer to that question.

"He makes me nervous, yes - and he seems to like to play on that perhaps - I'm not sure. But, no - I'm not interested in him," Rory explained, hoping her assurance was enough.

Logan, frankly, just wanted to punch the guy, even if physical violence was never his modus operandi. But he knew for sure now that he wanted her out of that department.

"I'm sorry if you feel I am not going at the same speed as you. I really wish I knew how... Just moving in together, moving altogether, the idea of marriage and kids.... It's scary," Rory explained, feeling like she'd said all of this already.

Logan groaned, continuing to drive.

"I am not asking for all of those things, Rory... Not now, maybe not ever," Logan replied. He didn't feel like he could keep asking anyways. "And I understand it's daunting, I do... Do you really think it isn't for me?" Logan added, and decided to pull up at a bus stop, just needing to look at her. The stop not the smoothest, his speed having been just a little over the limit.

Rory knew that - she knew he struggled. But she also knew it had always been a lot easier for Logan to just dive in at the deep end of things than it had been for her.

Rory looked at him, but even looking at him was hard, inching her closer to want to just fall to pieces.

"I love you, Rory. And I don't want to pretend I don't feel what I feel... I don't want to hold it in, not show it," Logan exclaimed, his tone a lot more withheld than he would've wanted to express that statement in. He felt like shouting it, to make her really hear it. He hated he was behind the wheel, doing something so mundan as being in the progress from getting them from A to B - but it had just needed to come out right this minute.

Rory could just feel those words shoot right through her, causing her eyes to fill with tears. She hadn't realized how badly she'd needed to hear those words. But her own throat felt dry, her tongue struggled to move and her mouth muscles refused it to open. Was this another 'thank you' moment?

Rory sniffled audibly, her chest shaking along with her whimpers.

"Mommy, I love you too," Em said innocently, from the back seat.

That little voice broke her sob into a nervous burst of laughter, having not expected Em to hear or witness any of it. But besides this - this also changed something in her.

"I love you too," Rory said, hating how it sounded like she'd just said that like she'd felt obligated to. "I do, both of you," she added, squeezing Logan's arm with a very brief but meaningful look that she had meant, before reaching behind her to squeeze her daughter's hand as well and assure her that these were happy tears.